


Cicatrice

by Suzie_Shooter



Category: Alex Rider (TV 2020), Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magical Healing Cock, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Porn with Feelings, Rape, Rape Recovery, Rimming, Sex Toys, Sharing a Bed, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:13:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28359882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suzie_Shooter/pseuds/Suzie_Shooter
Summary: When Alex is raped on a mission it takes support from a surprising quarter to help him move past it, but as time goes by he realises his feelings for Yassen are becoming more than platonic. They have a lot to process, not least because Yassen has history of his own, but maybe with a whole lot of trust and patience, two damaged people can learn to make it work.Written (in three separate chunks) for the kinkmeme prompt: “Anything where Alex gets nonconned by some random bad guy on a mission.” Chapter one contains a graphic depiction of rape (and can be skipped without detriment to the plot if you’d rather). Chapter two is recovery/pre-slash. Chapter three is unashamed healing!cock/ porn-with-feelings.
Relationships: Yassen Gregorovich/Alex Rider
Comments: 16
Kudos: 103
Collections: Alex Rider Kinkmeme





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cicatrice: the scar of a healed wound.
> 
> Written for the kinkmeme prompt: “Anything where Alex gets nonconned by some random bad guy on a mission. Maybe one of the guards when he's being held captive? Or he gets caught and the bad guy decides to take a little private time with Alex before bringing him back to the boss? Or some random person taking advantage when Alex is undercover and he can't fight back because it'd break his cover? Bonus points if this is the first time it's happened and Alex is completely shocked.”

_It will be easy._

The words echoed in Alex’s head, hollow and devoid of meaning.

_It won’t be dangerous._

Why did he even listen to them any more? It made this his own fault in the end, didn’t it, Alex thought bleakly. He deserved it. Everything that had happened to him was his fault, for trusting them, for not being careful enough, for not being _good_ enough.

He tried to move, and a spike of agony shot up his side. Broken rib, he recognised dully, trying to breathe through the pain. Moistened his lips, tasted blood.

It had started well enough. He’d had no problems getting into the club, had identified his contact. 

That was when it had started going wrong.

He was used to people’s reactions by now, the initial surprise and sometimes outright disbelief that someone of his age was officially working for the government. But Kane had been different. Kane’s surprise had been tinged with pleasure, as if someone had given him an early Christmas present.

“ _You’re_ my contact?”

“Yes. Problem?” 

“Oh no. No not at all. What’s your name, kid?”

“Alex.” He rarely bothered with an alias, Alex was a common enough name, and it was one less thing to remember.

“Pretty.” 

“Huh?” Alex blinked, but Kane just grinned at him. He had a gold tooth, Alex saw. 

“Pretty good. You being on time.”

“Right.” Alex shifted uncomfortably. 

Looking back, he realised he’d known something was off right from the start. Why hadn’t he walked away? He knew the answer, of course. Too confident in his own abilities, too sure he could handle anything. Except he’d been prepared for the wrong kind of danger.

“So, you coming?” Kane slid off his barstool and headed towards a door marked Private. 

Alex hesitated. Instinct told him to stay in the public area, but he needed to get what he’d come for. He nodded, and followed Kane through the door and down a narrow concrete passage. The sound of the music was muffled back here, and Kane unlocked another door – a heavy metal fire door – and ushered Alex through.

His back was already crawling with the sense this was somehow a trap, but he stepped inside anyway. This was his job, after all. To meet unpleasant men in seedy surroundings, to make exchanges for possession of vital information. One thing Alex had learned in the last year of working for MI6, everyone had their price.

He was about to learn Kane’s.

The door slammed shut and Alex swung round in alarm, but Kane was walking unconcernedly across the room away from Alex and he relaxed a fraction, taking stock of his surroundings. They were in an office, Kane’s presumably, a small windowless room with a cluttered desk, ancient looking swivel chair, battered couch complete with unpleasant looking stains, and an old fashioned combination-lock safe in the corner.

“Drink?”

Alex looked round. “Uh, no, thank you.”

Kane frowned, then gave him an unnerving smile. “Ah, come on, you won’t drink with me? It’s a good thing, no? Two people who trust each other, sharing a drink over business.” He poured a clear liquid into two glasses and handed one to Alex.

He took it unenthusiastically. The glass was smeared with fingermarks and what appeared to be traces of lipstick.

“Problem?”

“Not sure peach blush is really your shade,” Alex muttered.

Kane’s glance hardened. “You will be nice to me Alex. If you want what you came for, yes?”

“You’re getting well paid,” Alex said shortly, keen to get this over with.

“Perhaps the price has changed.”

Alex looked up. “It was agreed.”

“Well I am unagreeing it. Keep your money.”

“What do you want then?” Alex asked, confused. 

“I told you.” Kane moved, and Alex realised he was now between him and the door. “I want you to be nice to me.”

“What?”

“Drink with me, little Alex. Be civilised.” Kane threw back his own drink and beamed at him encouragingly.

Alex took a deep breath and did the same. It was powerful stuff and he coughed despite himself, making Kane laugh delightedly. 

“You are not old enough to drink, I think?”

“I just prefer something with a traceable vintage,” Alex retorted. “This tastes like it was made in an oil drum.”

“Ah, not so far off.” Kane was watching him now with a hawk-like interest. “You want another?”

“I want what I came for.”

Kane shook his head regretfully. “The young these days. No manners.” He crossed to the safe and spun the lock, heaving open the heavy metal door.

Alex watched him, feeling unaccountably breathless. The room felt close and airless, and he told himself in a matter of minutes he’d be back out in the fresh air. He felt for the wad of money in his inside pocket, not taking Kane’s rejection of it seriously. 

Kane straightened up, a usb stick on a metal chain swinging from his fingers.

“This is what you are so eager for, I think. All the names you need.”

“Thank you.” Alex reached out for it, but Kane twitched it away.

“Ah-ah. First, payment.” 

Alex automatically reached into his pocket, but Kane shook his head. “No, no. I told you, that is not what I want.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You are going to have to be nice to me Alex.” Kane pocketed the flash drive and closed the gap between them, reaching out to stroke a hand down Alex’s cheek.

He jerked backwards, startled and revolted, then to his shock almost unbalanced and had to save himself on the corner of the desk. 

Kane was coming towards him again, and Alex staggered backwards. 

“Get away from me.”

“Are you going to stop me? I don’t think so.” Kane shook his head, gold tooth glinting as he gave Alex another one of those unsettling smiles. Alex felt sick. Kane’s intention was clear, and he couldn’t suppress a shudder. 

Alex tried to cudgel his brain into thinking clearly. If he pretended to play along – got Kane to lower his guard – he could get close enough to both pick his pocket for the flash drive and disable the man for long enough to get away. The thought was revolting, but it was do-able. 

He braced himself to smile back but his lips felt swollen and numb, as if he’d been given an anaesthetic. He swallowed hard, still not understanding, his head full of static.

“You look like you need a hand?” Kane reached out again, merciless fingers closing around Alex’s wrist. 

He wrenched himself away and went sprawling backwards across the desk, sending papers and open bottle flying. 

Alex watched the clear spirit pouring out across the carpet and thought _but he drank it too_ , and then, _the glass_. 

Trying desperately to resist, he found his limbs refused to obey him and all he could manage was a pathetically weak and uncoordinated flailing. Kane had both hands on him now, and Alex found himself easily pinned down across the desk, the larger man bending over him.

Even though he knew what Kane intended it was still a shock when Alex felt the erection pressing against his crotch. For a second he froze, brain refusing to comprehend what was happening. 

It was only when he felt Kane’s hands on his belt that Alex finally managed to react, drawing up his knees defensively and with the last of his strength bracing his feet against Kane and driving him backwards. 

At last unrestrained, Alex tried to run to the door but his legs refused to comply and after a single step he crumpled to the carpet. 

He could hear his own breath loud in his ears as Kane unhurriedly grasped him by the shirt-front, hauled him upright and then casually backhanded him across the face with such force that Alex was thrown clear onto the couch.

Stunned and drugged, Alex could only watch as Kane came to stand in front of him, slowly and deliberately unbuckling his belt and unzipping his fly, drawing out his cock. 

“No.” It came out as a croak, all Alex could manage. It drew a snarling smile from Kane, and Alex realised he was aroused by the fear as much as the violence.

“Please. Please don’t.” Part of Alex hated himself for begging, but defenceless as he was there was no other choice.

“But I must have payment, yes?” Kane said reasonably. “You came here to pay me. You expect the goods for nothing?” He stood there stroking himself in anticipation and Alex wanted to throw up.

“I’ve got money,” Alex slurred.

“Oh, you have something better than that. And I’m going to take it. So very thoughtful of them, to send you.”

A horrible thought occurred to Alex. Had they known Kane’s predilections when they sent him here? He was unlikely to be the first boy Kane had assaulted, if nothing else having a drugged glass to hand proved that, when he hadn’t known who was coming. Had they known all along what the risk was? Alex suddenly felt numb from more than just the tranquilliser. 

Kane bent over him, unzipping Alex’s jeans and pulling them down to his knees. His arms and legs were limp now, and he could offer no more resistance than an incoherent moan of protest as his underwear followed. 

This couldn’t be happening, Alex thought desperately as he was rolled onto his front, face pressed into the threadbare cushion. It was a dream, a nightmare he would wake up from. Or someone would come. MI6, or K-Unit, or _somebody_ , just someone from the club would knock on the door and interrupt. Save him, at the last minute. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

Kane’s weight settled over the back of his thighs, unseen hands pushed his shirt up out of the way. Thick fingers began exploring him, spreading him, and Alex choked in a lungful of musty fabric as he felt the head of Kane’s cock pressed against his hole.

He screwed his eyes shut, praying now for unconsciousness, the only escape within reach. To wake up and know what had happened but not remember it would be bearable, he thought. Appalling, but bearable. But not this. Please not this. 

His prayers went unanswered. His body might have been unresponsive but he could feel every thing as Kane forced himself inside him. Alex told himself the tears in his eyes were from the pain, that was all. It was almost convincing. 

Alex wasn’t sure how long it lasted. He’d lost all sense of time along with his sense of self. All he knew was that eventually the brutal thrusts became an increasingly frantic sawing that ended abruptly in a final violation as he felt Kane come inside him, grunting his release like a particularly satisfied pig.

He felt Kane pull out and stand up, heard him zip up his trousers. Could feel something thick and wet trickling down his thighs. One more stain for the couch. 

Alex lay motionless, staring at nothing in particular and wondered if he’d ever be able to move again. 

–

Two AM. The pitted tarmac of the deserted dockside glistened with the light rain that had been falling for the last hour. The car that rounded the corner at slightly too fast a speed slithered on the wet surface and swerved wildly before it regained traction, narrowly missing the edge. 

Barely slowing down, one of the rear doors opened and a figure was shoved out of the moving vehicle, hitting the ground hard. Something else was tossed after him, its metal chain catching the lights across the river. 

Alex lay on the ground with the rain in his eyes, closed his fist around the flash drive he’d been through so much to acquire and slowly tried to remember how to breathe.

–

It was a month later. Alex, silent and taciturn was sitting at the back of the morning briefing, listening to the conversation around him but taking no part. He didn’t speak much, these days. Crawley had recently commented favourably on his new, more thoughtful approach, and Alex had had to resist the urge to put his fist through the window.

But he had reason to listen, today.

“Jurgen Kane was found dead this morning,” Mrs Jones reported, dumping a stack of papers on the desk.

“What?” Blunt sounded irritated, but then he nearly always did. She nodded. 

“An execution style killing. He obviously got on the wrong side of somebody.”

“Damn. We had hopes for him. He was a good source.”

Alex said nothing. He still wasn’t sure if they’d known about the price Kane would demand for his information. The price he would no doubt have gone on to take from others. The price Alex would go on paying, every time he closed his eyes. 

He did know one thing they didn’t though. About the mobile number he’d had memorised for nearly a whole year, the number of a man he’d only ever met twice. About the offer made one dark night in the confused aftermath of the Greif business, by way of an apology for taking the last of Alex’s family.

“I can’t bring him back. But I guess I owe you. So – you ever want anybody dead, you let me know, huh?”

Alex had tried the number since, and it was disconnected. One use only. 

He didn’t know whether to be glad or sorry. 

–


	2. Chapter 2

Rome, Italy. A ruined temple several miles outside the city. Nightfall.

Despite all his senses being on high alert for movement, the man who came out of the opposite archway still managed to take Alex by surprise. 

In the second of Alex’s startled hesitation the man had shouted an alarm, and running feet meant Alex was suddenly surrounded by four armed figures, anonymously threatening in black combat gear and balaclava masks. 

Rather than fear, Alex felt a calmness come over him. End of the road. 

Raising his gun, he picked a man at random.

“Hold your fire!”

The shouted command made Alex jump and he almost shot his selected target by accident before realising the order hadn’t been aimed at him.

A fifth man had emerged from the ruins and Alex swung round to cover him instead, conscious of the four guns that immediately tracked his movement. He braced himself for the slam of bullets.

“Stand down!” The new arrival glared round at the rest and to Alex’s bemusement they put up their weapons, still eyeing him suspiciously but no longer offering an immediate threat.

This man wasn’t holding a gun at all, was showing Alex empty hands. He swallowed, not yet dropping his own guard, trying to work out what was going on. The voice had been familiar but he couldn’t place it over the pounding of his own head.

After a moment, moving with deliberate slowness not to spook him, the man reached up and pulled off his balaclava.

“Yassen.” Heart thumping with recognition, Alex wasn’t sure if he’d actually spoken the name aloud or only shaped it with his lips.

“Put the gun down Alex,” Yassen said quietly. “Nobody’s going to hurt you.”

“Maybe I’m going to hurt you.” 

“Are you?” Yassen asked mildly. Hands still open and held away from his sides he took a step forwards. 

“Stay back!”

“You going to shoot me Alex?” 

Alex faltered. His hands were starting to shake, and he didn’t know what to do, hadn’t expected, frankly, to still be alive at this point. 

If he let Yassen disarm him he would be vulnerable, yet Yassen could have just stood back and let him get shot. The thought occurred to Alex that being under Yassen’s protection was safer than having a whole arsenal of guns at his disposal. 

Yassen was close now, had been moving slowly towards him all this time.

“I’m going to take it. Okay?” Yassen reached out slowly, wrapped his hand around the barrel of the gun. At this range Alex could have pulled the trigger and Yassen would have been dead before he hit the ground. 

He loosened his grip. Let Yassen draw it carefully out of his hand. Thought he heard one of the watching men let out a breath.

Alex stood there feeling suddenly stupid, wondering what would happen now. To his surprise, Yassen put an arm around him. It was a light touch, his hand simply resting on Alex’s shoulder and nothing he couldn’t have pulled away from but it signalled very clearly to the surrounding men that he was off limits. It also felt unexpectedly comforting, and Alex found he didn’t care in the least about the abject failure of his mission. 

MI6 had told him the drop-off point was secure, that nobody else would be here. Not for the first time, their intelligence part of their name had proved to be somewhat lacking.

Oh well. It was no longer his problem. Nothing one seventeen year old boy could be expected to do against five armed men. It was oddly freeing, and he let Yassen guide him out of the ruins without sparing a thought to where they might be going. 

The answer to that turned out to be an apartment in the city. Alex sat silently in the car during the journey, blank and unquestioning. He’d been ready to die, so being afraid of what Yassen might be planning seemed pointless, but also he sensed Yassen didn’t mean him any harm. For now, at least. That didn’t mean he didn’t also have an ulterior motive, Alex was just beyond caring what it was.

Yassen let them into an old townhouse that had been converted to flats and lead him up to the second floor. The paint in the stairwell was peeling and there was a faint smell of damp overlaying the cooking smells coming from somewhere else, but once inside the flat was warm and dry and comfortably furnished.

“Make yourself at home.” Yassen divested himself of a frankly ridiculous number of weapons and sat on the sofa to take his military issue boots off and swap them for a pair of sneakers.

Alex cautiously lowered himself into an armchair. 

“Why am I here?”

“Needed you out of the way.” Yassen glanced up from lacing his shoes. “Firstly to let my team get on with delivering the merchandise, secondly to stop you getting shot when you inevitably tried to stop them.” 

Alex shrugged. “Nothing I could have done.”

“Several of my colleagues have learnt at their cost not to underestimate you,” Yassen said with a faint smile. “It is not a mistake I intend to make. All will be completed by tomorrow. I am simply inviting you to spend the night here. There is a perfectly nice spare bedroom and a restaurant downstairs we can send down to for dinner. A painless way to spend the evening, compared to the alternatives. Assuming you can stand my company for a few hours.” 

Alex almost smiled. Almost. 

Yassen studied him. Alex was biting his thumbnail, a nervous habit that Yassen suspected he wasn’t aware he was doing. He also didn’t think it was being here that was bothering him.

“So. You want to talk about it?” he offered quietly. 

Alex shifted uncomfortably. “Talk about what?” 

“Whatever’s on your mind.”

“Who says there’s anything on my mind?”

Yassen paused. “There are two types of people who pull a gun in front of a bunch of armed mercenaries. The very stupid, and the ones who want to die. And I know you’re not stupid, Alex.” He glanced sideways, in time to see Alex look away.

Alex swallowed, hard. It had occurred to him more than once that Yassen was potentially the only person he could ever talk about this to, but now he had the opportunity he found his throat was closing up in horror at the thought of it. How could he even put it into words? And honestly, what good would it do if he did? 

“I don’t think I can,” he managed finally. Forced himself to look across at him, although couldn’t bring himself to meet Yassen’s gaze.

Yassen just nodded slightly. “Okay,” he said quietly. “I’m here if you change your mind.” Knowing that getting Alex to admit there was something wrong at all was actually a good first step.

He’d lied, about needing Alex to stay the night, in fact his team would already have done what they needed to. Yassen was far more concerned about the dead look he’d seen in Alex’s eyes when he faced down the guns. Even working for MI6 shouldn’t have burnt him out that quickly. 

When Yassen had received Alex’s call, and his request to take out Jurgen Kane, he hadn’t asked questions. It wasn’t his practice to, in fact he preferred as little explanation for his hits as possible. He was merely the executioner, he would leave the judgement to whoever was paying him. But he did wonder what Kane had done. Why Alex of all people should genuinely want a man dead. 

Yassen was never going to be sentimental but he would admit, to himself at least, that he had a liking for the boy. He wasn’t sure he could get to the bottom of whatever was haunting him in a few hours, but he could take him out of harm’s way and give him a good meal. There had been times in his own life, when if someone had done that for him it might have been a turning point.

True to his word Yassen fetched a meal from the restaurant below them, a fragrant lamb ragu with tagliatelle.

Alex ate, hesitantly at first, then with a will as he realised how hungry he was. 

Yassen fetched some white wine from the fridge and poured himself a glass. 

“You want some?” he held out the bottle, offering to pour some into a second glass, but Alex froze.

“No, thank you,” he said awkwardly. He had a glass of water, a glass he’d taken himself from the cupboard, and had washed thoroughly before drinking from it.

Yassen said nothing, but set down the bottle and drank from his own glass. Alex watched slightly enviously. He really would have liked some, and he knew it was an unreasonable fear to have, but he couldn’t help himself.

After a while he reached out and picked up Yassen’s glass instead, took a sip. 

Yassen raised an eyebrow, then gave a slight smile, pulling the empty glass towards him and filling it for himself.

“Your caution is admirable,” he murmured. “Although if I was going to poison you I’d probably have put it in the food.”

Alex looked down at his half-empty plate, then up at Yassen’s amused expression. A bubble of laughter escaped his lips, taking him by surprise. 

“Someone did, once,” Alex said, abruptly solemn again. “That’s all.” 

“Ah.” Yassen took this in. “And once bitten, forever wary. Yes.”

There was no trace of mockery in his voice, but Alex couldn’t stop himself poking at the wound.

“You must think I’m daft.” 

“No?” Yassen shook his head, then smiled slightly. “It’s not paranoia when they really are trying to kill you.”

Alex felt himself smiling back in response. It was an odd sensation, when at one point he’d felt like he’d never smile again.

“I never thanked you,” he said, playing with the stem of his glass rather then maintaining eye contact. Yassen had an unnerving habit of not blinking very often. “For – doing what I asked. Before.”

“I’m a man of my word,” Yassen said, then reconsidered. “At least – when I mean to be.” Alex said nothing, and Yassen gave in to his own curiosity. “What had he done?”

Alex went still, and Yassen thought – yes. It was there, whatever it was. Connected. 

“I mean, you don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business.” Giving him a way out, sensing that whatever had brought Alex so close to breaking point was not something that could or should be forced out of him. But Yassen also felt that on some level Alex wanted to talk. 

“You didn’t know him?” Alex asked quietly, after a significant pause.

Yassen shrugged. “Kane? I’d heard the name, but never met him. Small time gangster who fancied he could play with the big boys by working both sides. Frankly if I hadn’t done it somebody else would have before long. I don’t think he’ll be missed.” Wondering briefly if Alex’s crisis was guilt-based, but somehow he didn’t think so.

“It was him,” Alex said, after another pause that stretched out until they were both aware of the ticking of the clock. “With the glass.”

“Ah.” Acknowledging the fact and no more, letting the silence stretch out again.

“He raped me.” 

Alex found the words came out in a rush, and felt his stomach clench. He sensed Yassen was staring at him, but it wasn’t until Alex made himself look up that he spoke. 

“Oh Alex.” Breathing it out in a sigh of understanding. “I’m so sorry.” Yassen reached out a hand towards his shoulder, then let it come to rest on the table instead, seeing Alex flinch. 

“I wish I’d known,” Yassen said, more to himself than Alex. “I’d have taken my time over him.” He sighed regretfully. “Something like that – he deserved more. He deserved _worse_.”

Alex tried to nod, tried to speak, but his breath was coming with difficulty and there was a roaring in his head. Part of him was desperately grateful that Yassen hadn’t said anything along the lines of ‘Are you okay?’ How had he sensed that of all people it would be Yassen who understood? But right now all he could think about was the fact he couldn’t seem to get any air into his lungs and he scrambled somehow to his feet and lurched towards the door to the balcony, wrenching it open and almost falling outside.

Yassen followed him cautiously. He knew Alex would probably want space, but at the same time he also knew the balcony rail was old and rusty and he wasn’t at all sure it would take Alex’s whole weight if he fell against it.

Alex was bending over, one hand on the flaking rail, one clutching his chest and swallowing convulsively as if he was about to throw up. Satisfied he wasn’t in immediate danger Yassen would have hung back, but Alex blindly reached out towards him and Yassen automatically took his hand. 

Alex gripped it like he was drowning, and Yassen pulled one of the balcony chairs closer and guided him down into it, perching on the second and never letting go of Alex for a second.

Hunched over and still clasping Yassen’s hand painfully hard, Alex gradually got his breathing back under control. He was bathed in cold sweat and trembling, but eventually his thoughts cleared and his lungs no longer felt like they were scrunched into a knot.

He gradually became aware he was holding Yassen’s hand hard enough to bruise, and relaxed his grip. “Sorry,” he breathed, and Yassen squeezed his fingers gently, letting Alex withdraw his hand.

“You get panic attacks often?” Yassen asked quietly. 

Alex shook his head automatically. “It’s getting better,” he lied. 

Yassen just looked at him. “Is it?”

Alex slumped. “No.”

Yassen reached out, resting his arm on the table, opening his hand with a silent invitation. After a second, Alex hesitantly placed his hand back into Yassen’s, and felt a warm curl of something undefinable when he held it. It should have felt weird, but somehow it just felt safe. Secure.

“What do I do Yassen?” It was a despairing breath, not really expecting an answer.

“Practically?” Yassen considered. “I would recommend a full training regime. Work-outs, running, swimming. As much as you can fit in, daily. And exercises for your head too. Breathing, meditation.”

“And that’ll make it all magically go away will it? I didn’t have you down as one of the ‘just take up yoga’ brigade.”

“No.” Yassen held his gaze calmly. “But it will tire your body and calm your mind enough to rest properly. And when you’re not wrung out any more and your pulse isn’t fluttering like a leaf, you will find you feel stronger. And then, perhaps, you can begin to face what has to be faced.”

Alex looked down at their clasped hands, becoming aware of the pulse in his fingers. Or was it Yassen’s?

“You were taking my pulse? And there was me thinking you just wanted to hold my hand.”

“Who says I didn’t?” 

Alex looked up in time to catch his smile. 

“Besides,” Yassen continued, “you want to distract someone from a train of thought, you give them something puzzling to think about.”

“Do you ever stop being a devious bastard?”

“Why would I?”

Alex smiled despite himself. “Doesn’t telling me what you’re doing defeat the object?”

“You tell me. What are you thinking about?”

Alex’s smile widened reluctantly. Yassen was right, the suffocating memories of a moment ago had been pushed back by the feeling of the hand in his. Yassen rubbed a thumb across his knuckles comfortingly. 

“There is no magic bullet,” he said softly. “But you can do this Alex. I will help, if I can. If you want me to?”

Alex gave a shaky nod. Yassen was the only person he’d told what had happened to him. Saying it out loud had been both easier and worse than he’d imagined. But it was done now, and even if Yassen did nothing else, just the knowledge that he wasn’t carrying the weight of this alone any more had eased the suffocating tightness inside. 

He wasn’t sure why Yassen was helping him, but Alex sensed that his offer was genuinely meant. And it wasn’t like there was anyone else in his life he could turn to. Alex looked down at where their hands were still clasped lightly together and nodded again, this time more deliberately.

When they went back inside Alex had lost his appetite, but he asked for and drank another large glass of wine. He could tell Yassen thought it was a bad idea, and not because he was too young to drink, but Yassen didn’t stop him and Alex knew he’d need something to help him sleep. 

A few hours later, Alex wished he’d had more restraint. He woke thrashing from a nightmare straight into the iron bands of another panic attack. He stumbled out of bed, disoriented at being in a strange room and needing air. 

–

Yassen wasn’t sure what had woken him. He lay there listening intently, immediately alert but not wanting to embarrass Alex if he was simply going to the bathroom. 

There was no further sound, but something had disturbed him and he trusted his instincts. He got out of bed, switching on the light and cracking open the door. The living room was colder than it should have been, and Yassen realised the door to the balcony was open.

Moving silently he crossed the room, noting that the door to Alex’s bedroom was standing open too. Stepping out onto the balcony his first thought was that Alex wasn’t there – and then he saw him. Curled into a ball on the floor, arms wrapped around himself, not moving.

Yassen crouched beside him, stifling a sigh of relief when he found Alex was breathing. His skin was cold to the touch, and Yassen wondered how long he’d been out here. Behind him the door knocked gently against the frame in the wind and Yassen guessed that was what had woken him. Not Alex then. Which meant he could have been out here for ages.

He hesitated. The best and quickest thing would be to warm him up with his own body heat, the only problem was he knew it would hardly be the best thing mentally for Alex right now to wake up in his bed. 

Yassen shook himself. He needed to do what was necessary right now, he could worry about the rest later. If he stayed awake, once he was happy Alex was warm again he could get up and leave him there. 

He carried Alex into his bedroom and laid him in the bed, climbing in after him and pulling the covers over them both. He drew Alex back against him, spooning up against his back and frowning to feel how chilled he was.

Alex murmured slightly in his arms but didn’t wake, and Yassen hugged him closer. Gradually he felt warmth return to the boy’s limbs, and also noticed his breath was coming more easily. Alex was sleeping peacefully now, and Yassen let himself relax. Which was a mistake, because the warmth lulled him too, and without meaning to Yassen fell asleep with Alex in his arms.

–

When Alex woke the next morning, he couldn’t work out where he was or what was going on. Recollection of location in the general sense he grasped, but this didn’t look like the room he’d gone to sleep in, and there was also someone in the bed with him.

Working this through, Alex realised he was in Yassen’s bedroom and therefore by extension, it was presumably Yassen who currently had his arm around him.

Alex tried desperately to figure out how he’d got here. He vaguely remembered waking from a nightmare and stumbling out onto the balcony for some air. After that – nothing. Had he been so disoriented that he’d got into the wrong bed when he came back? Had he been sleepwalking? Had he _asked_ to come in with Yassen? All options were teeth-achingly embarrassing to contemplate, but possible. Had he really been low enough to seek comfort?

One thing he suspected was that Yassen wasn’t normally one of nature’s snugglers, which meant Yassen had almost certainly been awake when he put his arms around him.

Judging by the slow, even breathing against his back Yassen was still asleep and Alex tried very hard not to move, knowing the slightest disturbance would likely wake him. It gave him another twinge of embarrassment to admit it, but it was nice lying here like this. He felt warm and comfortable, and, yes, safe. 

He couldn’t remain still for long though, and trying surreptitiously to rub an itch in his leg against the sheet was enough to wake Yassen. 

Waking immediately, Yassen froze then cautiously withdrew his arm, shifting back a little to give Alex some space.

Alex stifled a sigh of disappointment then figured the day couldn’t get any more embarrassing than it had started and rolled over to face him.

They regarded each other warily across the pillow.

“Hey,” said Alex quietly.

“Good morning.” Yassen smiled back at him. Alex looked softly sleep-crumpled and rather confused but he didn’t seem panicky or uncomfortable and Yassen relaxed a touch.

“I, uh – I don’t remember how I got here,” Alex admitted. “So, you know, sorry. If I was being weird.”

Yassen looked surprised, then shook his head. “I found you out on the balcony,” he explained. “Practically turning blue. I needed to get your temperature up, and this was the most effective thing I could think of. Sorry.”

“Why sorry?” Alex looked puzzled. 

“Well.” Yassen hesitated. “Probably not exactly what you wanted right now, to be waking up in bed with me.”

“Oh.” Alex found himself smiling, somehow touched that the thought would even have occurred to him, much less that he’d have been worried about it.

“I meant to get up before you woke,” Yassen added. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m glad you didn’t” Alex admitted quietly. “It was – kind of nice if I’m honest.” 

Yassen blinked. “Really?”

“Really.” Alex flushed, dropping his eyes. “What time is it?”

Yassen looked up at the clock. “Just gone five.”

“So – we could go back to sleep?”

“If you want?”

“Mmn.” Alex hesitated, then turned over again so his back was to Yassen then tentatively shifted back towards him.

Yassen took the hint and moved to meet him, risking wrapping his arm around him again and smiling into Alex’s hair when he immediately clasped it against him. 

“Okay?” Yassen murmured.

“Mmhmn.” 

This time Yassen didn’t sleep, but he could tell when Alex did, his body relaxing trustingly against him into soft lines. He held him close and watched him sleep, and wished once more he’d known to take apart the man who’d hurt him, inch by bloody inch.

–

When Alex woke a second time neither of them made any mention of what they’d been doing. Yassen simply slipped out of the bed, taking his clothes into the bathroom to shower and dress. When he emerged Alex had got up too and they ate breakfast on the balcony.

Alex turned his face up to the sun, and closed his eyes.

“Am I free to go now?”

“Of course.” He always had been, and Yassen suspected he knew that. “You are also free to stay,” Yassen added. “If you would like to.”

Alex opened his eyes, blinking as he dazzled himself. The thought was tempting. The alternative was going back to MI6, explaining he’d failed in his mission and sitting through a tedious debrief before being sent out again on something equally ill-thought out. He could phone it in and stay here. With Yassen?

“Don’t you need to be anywhere else?” 

“I have some continued business in the city. I will be here for a month or so.” Yassen refilled his cup. “You are welcome to stay. But you don’t have to, of course.” 

Alex sighed. Yassen was offering him an escape, in a way. Seeing the people around him at work every day, wondering which if any of them had known the risk Kane posed – it had been getting Alex down, on top of trying to cope with everything else. It had been six months now, and he’d been starting to crack up a little.

On the other hand, he suspected Yassen would expect him to confront his demons, rather than let him go on avoiding them. It was an uncomfortable thought, but Alex knew he had to do something. He couldn’t go on like he had. The knowledge that he would have let Yassen’s men kill him was a chilling one in the bright morning sunshine. And Yassen was offering to help him.

“I’d like to stay,” Alex said finally. 

Yassen just nodded. 

–

Over the next few weeks, Alex discovered that Yassen was as good as his word. He kept Alex busy practically all day, starting with pre-breakfast runs and ending with evening sessions of meditation and breathing exercises before he went to bed. 

He made sure Alex ate properly too, and Alex, who’d had barely any appetite and certainly no interest in food for months, found that so much exercise combined with being presented with meals he didn’t have to prepare, in a city of amazing flavours, meant his enthusiasm for it gradually returned.

After a while Yassen started taking him out to restaurants and cafes, slowly and patiently building Alex’s confidence up from the place it had descended to, when he’d been virtually unable to drink from anything he hadn’t washed himself.

All of this Yassen undertook with a matter-of-fact approach that never made Alex feel he was being a burden. Yassen simply told Alex what they would be doing, as if he’d been going to do it anyway. For all Alex knew, he had been. 

Having made it clear that Alex could talk to him about what had happened if he needed to, Yassen never pushed it after that. He was a believer in things finding their own time. Alex would talk when he was ready. 

While making Alex’s days as occupied as they could be, Yassen had also found himself offering comfort in the night. After a few miserable nights’ sleep, Alex had confessed he’d slept better than he had in months the night he’d shared Yassen’s bed. 

Somehow, the spare room hadn’t been slept in since. 

–

It was helping, all of it. But it was a slow process. Alex still suffered panic attacks, still had nightmares. The difference was, he now had someone he trusted there to hold him when they happened. 

Almost a month after deciding to stay, Alex woke from one such nightmare, thrashing in the covers in a panic and gasping in pained breaths. 

“Alex?” The quiet voice in the pre-dawn twilight beside him was a guilty relief, a relief knowing he wasn’t alone, guilty because he’d woken him, guilty because he knew Yassen would hold him if he wanted, and Alex liked that more than he should. 

“Sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” Yassen’s hand was gentle on his back, steadying, grounding. Alex wanted to throw himself into his arms. 

“It was just a nightmare.”

“You want to talk about it?” Yassen’s hand stroking slowly now, rubbing his back.

Alex shook his head. 

“You know, you don’t have to pretend to be okay if you’re not,” Yassen murmured. “Not with me.”

Alex turned and let Yassen draw him in, giving in to what he wanted, to be held. 

To be held by Yassen.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to examine the awkward thought too closely. Yassen was old enough to be his father, literally. But after spending so many nights in his bed, Alex had to concede he was crushing quite hard on him. 

The thought was both a guilty thrill and an ever-present anxiety. The memories of what had happened to him were never far away, and whenever Alex’s thoughts turned to anything faintly salacious they were always there to rear up in the background, overshadowing any thought of pleasure. He’d had sex. It had been degrading and painful. How could it ever be anything else? How could he ever forget it? 

And yet there were whole minutes when he did forget it, and those were when he was lying in Yassen’s arms like this. Alex could pretend he wasn’t broken and traumatised and that they were here because they wanted to be together, and that Yassen loved him.

Alex had let his thoughts wander too far, and realised to his abject horror that he was getting hard. Yassen could hardly fail to have noticed either, it would be digging into his hip. 

Alex sat up in his second flurry of panic in ten minutes, and scooted away. 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” Yassen sounded quite calm about it. “It’s fine. Don’t worry.”

Alex shot him a look and gave an uneasy laugh. 

“You’re safe with me Alex,” Yassen added quietly. “You can trust me.”

“I know. I do.” Alex hesitated. “Even if I couldn’t – nothing that happens to me now can ever be worse than what’s already happened.”

“Oh Alex.” Yassen reached out instinctively and Alex fell back into his arms. 

Alex clung to him, more grateful than ever for the warm embrace. It steadied him, and gave him the courage to say the things he hadn’t ever thought he would be able to put into words. 

“I should have been able to stop him,” Alex blurted, feeling hot shame prickling through his body.

Yassen stroked a hand down his back, soothing and reassuring. 

“You were drugged. And even if you hadn’t been – ” Yassen sighed. “Sometimes things happen that you can’t prevent. And sometimes forgiving yourself for that is harder than coming to terms with what actually happened.”

Alex looked up at him, searching his face. “You too?” he asked tentatively.

“Yes.” Yassen smoothed a strand of hair away from Alex’s face, buying himself time to consider if he would say any more. He hadn’t meant to share that much. “I was much the same age as you.”

“Fuck.” Alex leaned against him, solidarity and sympathy in the press of his shoulder. “So did the stuff you suggested for me work for you?” he ventured, equal parts hopeful and sceptical.

“My circumstances were somewhat different,” Yassen said carefully. “I did not have the opportunity, or the guidance.”

He said no more, but Alex turned and put his arms back round him. Surprised, Yassen returned the hug, and they held each other tightly. It occurred to Yassen that this was possibly the first and only time he’d discussed even a fraction of what had happened to him as a teenager, and certainly the first time anyone had offered him comfort for it. It made him all the more determined that he would be there for Alex, as much as he needed him.

Alex, wrapped around him with all the intimacy of a lover, wondered how exactly to categorise what it was he was feeling. He trusted Yassen not to make advances, but at the same time he knew on some mutual level this was more than just two friends sharing a bed. It wasn’t just him fantasising. Friends didn’t fall asleep in each other’s arms. Friends didn’t bury their faces in each others’ necks and inhale the scent of them like it was simultaneously the headiest and most comforting thing on earth. 

Alex raised his head, and they gazed at each other, the weight of things unsaid and barely dared thought of between them. 

Yassen could feel the warmth of his body through Alex’s thin t-shirt, the pressure of his foot still stuck trustingly between Yassen’s calves. This was not the time, or the place, to be thinking the thoughts currently trying to make themselves heard. Alex needed to be able to trust him. Yassen needed to be able to trust himself. 

Something had to happen to break to moment, to release the tension before one of them did something stupid. Yassen leaned forward and kissed Alex on the forehead, his lips lingering only a second longer than was seemly. 

Alex felt his breath catch in his throat. Part of him had wanted so badly for Yassen to kiss him on the mouth. But at the same time, he knew going down that road would only lead to complications and confusion. However badly he burned at the thought of Yassen kissing him, Alex knew he was in no place to want anything more than that right now. He wasn’t sure he ever would be. The thought of sex, with anyone, made his stomach clench unpleasantly.

“Alex?” Yassen sensed him tense up and moved back a little to give him space, afraid that he’d caused it. 

Alex blinked up at him, seemingly coming back from miles away, and gave him an unexpectedly sweet smile. 

He leaned in before Yassen could move, and kissed him on the cheek. Like Yassen’s, it lingered a moment too long to be deemed merely a peck. When he pulled back, Yassen studied him for a while then gave him a slight nod, as if something had been silently agreed between them. That this could be both intimate and chaste, the full-bodied comfort and reassurance Alex needed without the pressure of it becoming anything more. 

Yassen lay down again and held out his arms, and Alex settled willingly into them with a quiet sigh.

–

They stayed together for seven months. During that period they relocated four times, depending on where Yassen needed to be. There was a house on Lake Geneva and an apartment in Vienna, then a cabin in Stockholm that Alex loved because it was on its own little island in the archipelago and could only be reached by boat. 

Alex knew, of course, that just them being there meant someone was going to die. Several someones, possibly. Occasionally Yassen would be away overnight, although he never left Alex alone for more than one.

Alex found he didn’t care what Yassen was doing. Once upon a time he would have, but something in him had closed off obstinately under the scar tissue of his own hurt. He didn’t have the capacity any more, to care much what happened to others. 

The fourth move took them to London, and Alex knew without having to be told that this was going to be goodbye. He was steadier now, Yassen had been right about that. The nightmares had stopped, and Alex could go whole days at a time without thinking about what had happened to him.

The kicker was, that being with Yassen was now the thing that reminded him of it.

Yassen had been there for him, held him through the worst of it, helped him get past it when he’d never thought he would. And Yassen, of course, had killed Kane. It seemed unfair then, that Yassen was now the one thing preventing him from moving on from it completely. 

They’d even discussed it. Tentatively, at first, Alex desperate that Yassen shouldn’t take it as a rejection or a slight, but finding to his relief that Yassen was as calm as always, and encouraged him to talk out what he was feeling. 

Promising that he would be there as long as Alex needed him, and that when he no longer did, that Alex should absolutely take that as a positive thing. That all he wanted, was for Alex to be happy.

Promising, too, that if Alex ever needed him in the future, that he would be there. They were close now, as close as lovers, despite the fact that in all their nights together they’d never done more than hold each other. 

(A circle of warm arms, the thick line of a sleepy morning erection pressed into the crease of a thigh, lips brushed against skin in something that was never quite a kiss, the quiet sigh of breath and soft press of a hand, all these things somehow fell under the category of holding each other, their mutual touches at once innocent and knowing, Alex never feeling less than utterly safe.)

And now Alex was ready to pick up his life again. He’d taken a leave of absence from MI6 and for once they hadn’t argued, making him wonder once again how much some people had known or at least suspected. Still, maybe a little forgiveness on both sides could work out for them. They hadn’t objected to him taking open-ended paid leave and more to the point they hadn’t objected to the fact he’d gone off with Yassen Gregorovich, which he suspected hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

In his bleaker moments, he’d toyed with the idea of becoming a paid killer like Yassen, but when he’d raised it as a suggestion Yassen had immediately gone to some lengths to talk him out of it. 

Alex had let himself been persuaded, reluctantly accepting that his image of himself as a hardened, emotionless shell was mostly just slightly bitter make-believe, and in fact he still cared far too much about everything. That Yassen not only saw that, but took pains to make Alex see that it wasn’t a bad thing, he was finally grateful for. 

–

They stood in the hallway, facing each other. 

“Thank you. For everything.” Now it had come down to it Alex suddenly didn’t know what to say, didn’t want him to go. But knew, too, that he needed to make the break. To build on the strength Yassen had given him back, and stand on his own two feet again. 

“Call me, okay? If you need anything. Anything at all,” Yassen insisted quietly. “No matter how long it’s been.” 

Alex threw his arms around him then and they held each other tightly, a weight of emotion behind it.

“I wish – I wish things were different,” Alex stammered. 

“Things are what they are,” Yassen said. “But also – nothing stays the same forever. You need to concentrate on taking your life back now. One thing at a time.” 

Alex finally pulled back, taking a deep breath to steady himself and bury the threat of tears. He leaned in and deliberately kissed Yassen on the cheek. 

Yassen smiled, brushing fingers affectionately through Alex’s fringe then pressing his lips to Alex’s forehead. 

“Goodbye Alex,” he whispered. “Go and be extraordinary.” 

–


	3. Chapter 3

Somewhat to Alex’s surprise, MI6 accepted him back into the fold with relatively few questions. It reinforced his suspicion that they’d known where he was – or at least who he was with – and presumably been satisfied he hadn’t been up to anything untoward. He wondered again if they’d understood why, and decided on balance he didn’t want to know. If he ever found out they’d known the risk Kane posed without warning him, he would be unable to work for them any more. And what else could he do, now? They’d shaped him into their tool, their weapon, and if he was a little harder and bleaker in his approach now then it suited them very well. 

But seven months with Yassen had softened his jagged edges a little, and Alex found he could once more draw on a reserve of strength and self-certainty that had been taken away. It let him start thinking for the first time that maybe he could have a normal life. Not in terms of career – he could see himself doing nothing else, now – but in terms of possibly falling in love, or at least having a normal sex life.

Tentatively, he made forays into the dating scene. Tom was delighted to be able to set him up with potential partners, and after a string of appalling blind dates, Alex actually hit it off with someone. He was slightly older than the others had been, and this time Tom had been dubious as to the likely success, but Alex immediately found he could relax more. He had precious little in common with young men of his own age. Peter wasn’t hugely older – twenty five to Alex’s eighteen, younger than Yassen by some years, but old enough that Alex didn’t feel obliged to compete.

One date became two, became a string, and Alex even found himself looking forward to the snogging sessions that had become the inevitable end of an evening out. He’d told Peter he wanted to take things slowly, and that was another point in his favour, he hadn’t pushed for anything sooner. Alex had been immediately uneasy in the company of boys clearly just out to score, but this was easier to manage. He still experienced a certain amount of dread at the thought of having sex, but as long as it was a problem for future-him, he could deal with it. He also didn’t want to have to tell Peter what had happened to him. 

Alex knew logically that he probably should, if only for his own mental wellbeing. Peter was less likely to try something that freaked him out if he knew there was a danger of it in the first place, for one thing. But – the thought of it sickened him. He didn’t want it to be the thing that defined him, and he also hadn’t known Peter long enough to be comfortable sharing it. Also he could hardly be honest about the circumstances. Peter thought he worked for the Royal and General Bank. He could change it to an assault in a club easily enough, but just the thought of having to make up his own backstory around it had left Alex shaking and nauseous, so he determined the best way out was to not think about it at all. He was fine. It was behind him. He could do this. 

Inevitably, after they’d been seeing each other for a while, Peter started hinting he’d like to do rather more than a bit of heated fumbling. He wasn’t being a dick about it, but he was also starting to make it plain he thought it was a bit odd, mainly because Alex couldn’t give him a good reason why not. It would have been easier if Peter had insisted, then Alex could have just fled from the whole thing. As it was he ended up feeling bad twice over, like he was stringing Peter along on top of the sick feeling he got every time he thought about sex. 

And the frustrating thing was that he _wanted_ to do it. He liked Peter, he fancied him, and above all else Alex wanted to be normal, in this one thing at least.

He plucked up his courage, and one night decided to just go for it. Peter was delighted and the mood was a jubilant one – right up to the point they started undressing each other. The sensation of another man pulling his pants down, coupled with the sight of Peter’s erection straining at the material of his own sent Alex into a frozen panic. 

“I’m sorry, I – I can’t,” he managed, scrabbling to pull his pants back up and cover himself. Part of him was screaming to run, afraid that Peter wouldn’t let him change his mind, but Peter was just standing there looking taken aback and rather confused. 

The evening ended awkwardly, Alex apologising profusely and Peter assuring him that it didn’t matter, but clearly finding it all a bit frustrating.

Alex went home and wondered how to get through it. He considered getting drunk, but it was something he’d avoided on any of his dates so far. He didn’t drink much at all these days, feeling the acute need to stay sharp. Maybe if Peter came here to his flat, and they did it in more familiar surroundings, Alex thought. 

The second attempt was no more successful than the first, this time Alex bottled it before even getting his clothes off. 

The third got further, they were both naked, both aroused, Peter had even put on a condom. Alex could feel his throat closing up with anxiety, but he was determined to go through with it. 

In the end he couldn’t. The feeling of hands on his thighs, the brush of Peter’s cock against his buttocks, Alex thought for a horrible moment he was going to throw up. He struggled off the bed and dashed to the bathroom, locking himself in and crumpling to the floor in a shaking heap.

When he came out, Peter had gone. Alex thought he’d knocked on the door at one point, but the static in his head had been too much to properly register it.

The following day he got the call he’d been half expecting for weeks. 

Alex hung up the phone and stared at it miserably. It really shouldn’t have come as a surprise but it still hurt. 

“I don’t think it’s working out.”  
“You clearly have issues you need to deal with.”  
“Probably best if we give it a rest.”

Issues. Peter was exactly right, and while it wasn’t his responsibility or what he’d signed up for, Alex couldn’t help feeling a spike of hurt that his reaction had been to run rather than offer to help.

Maybe he’d been spoiled in that regard. He thought longingly of Yassen’s endless patience, and wondered where he was, what he was doing. He’d said Alex could call, no matter how long it had been. The phone was still in his hand and Alex was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to hear his voice. 

He’d dialled the number before he could think about it too much but it went to voicemail, a generic recorded voice, and he lost his nerve, convulsively hanging up. 

Alex slumped back on the sofa sadly. He’d have given a lot for Yassen to be there right now, to hold him with that unconditional warmth and understanding that had helped him through the worst. He thought back to all the times he’d come so close to kissing him. Had Yassen felt it too, that prickle of something more than friendship? They’d certainly never referred to it out loud, but Alex didn’t think it had all been his imagination.

He sighed. He’d thought at the time that any intimacy with Yassen would be coloured by the knowledge of what had happened to him. The trouble was, it turned out every other liaison was likely to be the same. What had he lost, in letting Yassen walk away?

Alex found himself dwelling on thoughts of him over the next few days – and the nights. For a long time Alex hadn’t been able to masturbate at all. Anything even tangentially related to sex had sickened him, and then when he’d been living with Yassen they’d been sharing a bed and it had hardly been possible. But recently he’d been working on getting back in touch with his own body and suddenly all he could think about was Yassen.

His initial rather self-conscious fantasies became a nightly occurrence until Alex found he was associating Yassen so much with it that he couldn’t come thinking about anything else. The bottom line was Yassen made him feel safe, even in his imagination, and that was the simple factor that helped him relax enough to enjoy it. 

Twice more he got as far as dialling Yassen’s private number and hanging up without leaving a message. What could he say? I need you to fuck me for reasons? Their relationship hadn’t ever been on those terms, however much Alex felt there’d been potential for it to go that way. It had been nearly a year since he’d seen him. Yassen might even be seeing someone. 

Alex refused to entertain the idea that the reason he hadn’t heard from him was that something might have happened to the man. To think it was to jinx it, and some days the only thing that kept him going was the knowledge that he had at least one person in the world unequivocally on his side. 

–

As soon as Alex entered the flat that night he could tell he wasn’t alone. He cautiously pushed open the door to the living room – and sighed with relief. Yassen was standing in front of the window.

“Hello Alex. I let myself in, I hope you don’t mind.” He offered him a not-entirely apologetic smile, and Alex felt a smile spread helplessly across his own face in response.

“Yassen.” Alex had thrown himself across the room and into Yassen’s arms before he could think about what he was doing, and was relieved when Yassen hugged him back tightly. It had been so long since they’d seen each other, and part of his nervousness about calling had been the fear that something might have changed, or he might have built up their closeness in his head too much above reality. 

But Yassen was here, and he was real and warm and solid and Alex clung to him with a fierceness that surprised even him. 

“It’s good to see you,” Yassen murmured, showing no signs of letting him go.

“You too.” Alex finally looked up. “How did you know I wanted to see you?”

“You mean other than the three phone calls with no message?”

“Oh.” Alex blushed. “Right.”

Yassen smirked. “Look at me giving away my top secret spy methods.”

Alex shoved him, spluttering with laughter, and relaxing immediately. “Idiot.” He squirmed a little. “I didn’t know what to say. How to explain.”

“You don’t need a reason Alex,” Yassen said softly. “If you want to see me, that’s enough.” 

Alex’s helpless smile was back on his face. He felt slightly silly that he’d been so worried, but now Yassen was here it was as if no time had passed at all.

“So how are you?” Yassen asked, when Alex had insisted on making them both tea and they’d settled together on the sofa. “How are things?” Sensing both from Alex’s sudden need to see him and the desperation in his initial embrace that perhaps there was more to it than simply having missed him, but content to let Alex get round to it in his own time. Alex had always responded best to patience. 

“Okay. I guess.” Alex hesitated, picking at his fingernail. “I started seeing someone.”

“Oh.” Yassen schooled his expression to one of politely neutral interest. It wasn’t what he’d expected. “That’s – good?”

“It didn’t last.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Yassen looked sideways at him. “Do I have to kill them?”

Alex spluttered with laughter. “No!” 

“Just checking.” Yassen smiled at him, then after a second put his arm around Alex’s shoulders. Alex leaned into him, grateful for the comfort. 

“I screwed up. I tried to – you know. Sleep with him. And I freaked out. After the third time he dumped me. Can’t really say I blame him.”

“Oh Alex.” Yassen hugged him close. “Did he know your – circumstances?”

Alex shook his head. “I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want to tell him. I shouldn’t have to.” 

He sounded defensive, and Yassen just rubbed his arm comfortingly. “Did he at least know it was your first time?” he asked mildly.

“Well it wasn’t, was it,” Alex pointed out awkwardly. Yassen sighed.

“Alex. You have to stop thinking of what happened to you as sex. It was an attack, an assault, pure and simple. You’re allowed to think of this as your first time,” he said softly. “And I know it’s difficult, but finding someone you trust enough to talk about it with – even if it’s not the detail, just explaining that you need patience – will help.”

“What if I already had someone like that?” Alex suggested cautiously. Yassen looked round at him and read the implication in his eyes. Yassen’s face was a picture as he processed what Alex was suggesting.

“Was this a booty call?” he said finally, and Alex snorted with appalled laughter.

“Please never use that phrase again,” he begged, grinning. “And, maybe. If it was...would you be interested?”

Yassen studied him for a long moment. “You’re serious?”

“Yes. I thought – I thought I couldn’t, before, that it wouldn’t work, but I was wrong. I think you might actually be the only person I could do it with. The only one who knows what happened. The only one I trust not to hurt me.”

Yassen reached down and took his hand. “Alex, you need to be very very sure this is what you want. That I am what you want.”

“I am. Do you – do you think you could ever want me?” Alex asked tentatively. 

In answer Yassen leaned in slowly, giving him the chance to move away, and kissed him softly on the lips. Alex kissed back, wrapping his arms around Yassen’s neck and melting into it as it deepened into something warm and lingering.

When they broke off, Alex stayed in Yassen’s arms, resting against his chest. He felt above all a feeling of relief. But he still had to be sure.

“You’re not just doing this because I asked?” he checked tentatively. “You do actually want to?”

“Alex. I want you,” Yassen said solemnly. “Very much. I would never, ever have pushed it while I thought you weren’t interested but if you truly want this? Then I am yours to command.”

Alex let out a shaky breath, his fingers curling into the material of Yassen’s shirt. Yassen laid a gentle hand on his head, stroking Alex’s hair while he gathered himself. 

Yassen had fallen silently and hopelessly in love with Alex during those months together, and it had only made him more determined never to hurt him. He’d resolved never to pressure Alex into any unwise developments, had sensed just how easily the boy’s vulnerability and trust in him could have been funnelled into a sexual relationship and made himself hold back. He’d been sad but strangely proud of Alex for making the final break himself, and he’d certainly never dared hope that Alex would one day come full circle and decide for himself that Yassen was who he wanted after all.

Even now, Yassen wasn’t exactly sure what terms they were doing this on. It was possible Alex simply wanted to use him to become comfortable with the idea of sex. That when he was happy with it, that he might move on again. Yassen knew however much it hurt, he would let him. He would be whatever Alex needed, for as long as he needed it.

Alex looked up and Yassen smiled at him. “Okay?”

Alex nodded, smiling back. “Kiss me?” 

The second kiss lasted even longer than the first, as they each quietly sated months of unspoken longing.

“You’ll let me know if I’m going too fast?” Yassen murmured, unsure what Alex would be comfortable with and conscious his own attraction to him was in danger of pushing things too far now he had implicit permission.

Alex nodded. “It was pretty much just the sex I had a problem with.”

Yassen raised an eyebrow. “And not the ‘being comfortable enough to talk about your boundaries beforehand’ part? No problems there?”

“Oh, bollocks,” Alex protested, but he gave Yassen a sheepish laugh and Yassen smiled.

“We’re not going to rush this. Okay? We can take all the time you need. Do it in stages.”

“What, like an inch a night?” Alex offered, and was gratified when Yassen coughed with laughter, looking completely derailed. 

“Not quite what I meant.”

“So what’s stage one?”

“This is.” 

“Kissing?”

“Yes.”

“I like stage one.”

“Me too.” 

“What’s stage two?”

“We take our clothes off.”

“That escalated quickly.”

Yassen smiled. “Nothing else though. Not even touching, really. Just get used to being naked together.”

“Stage three is touching?”

“Yes.” Yassen’s smile was amused. He hadn’t actually planned an entire step programme, but now he came to think of it it made sense. And if it made Alex laugh that was one step closer to making him comfortable. 

“ _Naked_ touching.”

“If you like.” 

“Sexy touching?”

“That’s step four.”

“So hand jobs.” Alex smirked. “Step five?”

“I suck you off.”

“Step six I suck you off,” Alex guessed, and Yassen nodded. Alex snickered. “Step seven sex?”

“A finger.”

“Just the one?”

“Two is step eight.”

Alex was giggling. “Step nine is?”

“Three.”

“If this scale goes above ten you’re going to be buried to the wrist by the end of the month.”

“Full sex is ten.”

“Step eleven...I get to fuck you?”

Yassen laughed. “Possibly.” He stopped and looked thoughtful. “Or we could do it that way round anyway, if you preferred. It might make more sense.” He took Alex’s hand. “You know you don’t have to have penetrative sex at all, if you don’t want to. Plenty of people don’t.” 

“I want to though.” 

“As long as you do. You don’t just think you should.”

“No. I want to. At least – with you.”

Yassen kissed him. “I should also say, the steps are not days. We can spend as long as you want on each one. Go back, if needed. Whatever you want. This is about you feeling good. Feeling comfortable.”

“And you,” Alex said softly, lips moving against Yassen’s. “You want this too, right? You’re not only doing it because I asked?”

“Oh, I want it very much,” Yassen breathed, and Alex relaxed.

“Good. I just – don’t want this to have beaten me, you know?”

“I know. Believe me Alex, I know.”

“Shit. I didn’t mean – sorry.” 

“It’s alright. You can say anything, Alex. Ask me anything. I can’t promise I will always give you an answer but I promise you don’t have to be afraid of what you say.”

“When it happened to you – did you find it difficult? To – you know. Afterwards. Have sex?” 

“Yes.” Yassen sighed. “I did, in the end, but – I’d be lying if I said my preference for topping wasn’t related. I forced myself to go through with it, and – in retrospect I shouldn’t have. At least not without telling them.” 

“And yet here you are saying you’d let me,” Alex said. “Don’t offer me things you don’t like just to make me feel better, I don’t want that.”

“Perhaps I would find it better with you,” Yassen said softy. “As you hope to with me.”

Alex swallowed hard. “Fuck.”

“Come here.” Yassen drew him into his arms, and they held each other tightly and somewhat shakily. 

–

To avoid interruptions they dropped out of circulation for a while. Yassen took Alex to a house on the upper Thames with no overlooking neighbours. Originally built as a summer villa for a larger house up in the wooded hills behind, it had an air of faded elegance and a long verandah with a fringe of carved wooden fretwork and decorative cast iron poles. Inside, it felt like being underwater, the light made cool and green by the overhanging willows, and with the windows open they could hear the distant plash of the river.

The bed was big and comfortable, and Alex immediately threw himself down on it and looked up at Yassen coyly. “Nice place. 

“Peaceful. No interruptions.” And no awkward associations for Alex, Yassen thought. Neutral ground. He wasn’t sure if any of Alex’s aborted attempts had been at his own flat, but it was more than likely. 

“You always have such good taste in houses.”

“I spend so much time in horrible places it seems only fair to spend the rest in the nicest surroundings possible,” Yassen said. “I’m glad you like them.”

When they undressed that night, it was with a sense of anticipation and a number of covert glances. They’d changed in front of each other any number of times, they’d even shared a bed for seven months, but they hadn’t undressed _for_ each other before, and they’d never been naked together.

Yassen held back taking off his underwear until Alex had removed his, still determined to let him set the pace, but Alex threw everything off in a hurry before he could change his mind then turned to look at Yassen expectantly. It occurred to him with a twinge that he was less self-conscious giving Yassen a full-frontal view of his flaccid cock than he was letting him look at his scarred back. Not all of his intimacy issues could be traced to the rape.

Yassen took off the rest of his clothes and climbed unhurriedly into the bed. Alex joined him a little more awkwardly, and gave him a flushed smile. “So now what? We just look at each other? Nice nips by the way.”

Yassen’s mouth hooked up in a tolerant smile, and he settled back against the pillows. “Thank you. And in answer to your question, we can do whatever you like. Like I said, we’re not on a schedule. We can simply go to sleep, if you prefer. This is about being comfortable with each other.” 

He held out an inviting arm, and after a moment Alex settled against him. He was a little tense at first, the unfamiliar sensation of uninterrupted skin against his own was faintly embarrassing – but Yassen just laid an arm around his shoulders, and Alex gradually relaxed against him. Yassen was warm, and Alex found he was nestling closer, letting his hand explore the warm planes of his body.

“Is this okay?” Alex murmured, fingertips tracking across Yassen’s ribs, head resting on his shoulder. Yassen looked down at him and smiled. 

“Shouldn’t that be my line?” 

“You said no touching for this part,” Alex pointed out.

Yassen, who’d made up the stages on the spot and was starting to wish he’d written them down, patted him absently on the shoulder. “I meant no erotic touching. It’s about you being comfortable more than anything.” 

Alex snorted. “Erotic? Nobody actually says erotic.”

“Don’t they?”

Alex squinted up at him. “I can never tell when you’re winding me up.”

Yassen smiled. “Mostly,” he admitted, and Alex grinned, leaning up to kiss him on the lips. He followed it with a yawn and laughed, covering his mouth. 

“Sorry.”

“We can just go to sleep if you want?” Yassen offered again. 

“Seems like a waste.”

“There’s no rush. We can take our time.”

“You don’t have to be anywhere?” Alex asked, wondering if Yassen was in town for a reason other than him. The thought that he might have flown in based on nothing more than three missed calls was appealing but Alex could hardly believe he mattered that much to him.

“I’m all yours,” Yassen promised. “We can stay here as long as we want. You?”

Alex shook his head. “I’m between missions. They want me, they’ll have to find me.” 

“Good.” 

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“How many people have you slept with?”

Yassen was silent for a moment, and Alex shook his head. “You don’t have to answer.”

“No, I was just...”

“Were you _counting_?” Alex asked, giving an incredulous laugh somewhere between horror and admiration. But Yassen laughed too and shook his head.

“No, I was just wondering how we were categorising it.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you’re talking about penetrative sex only, then four. If we count not that but still pretty much sex, then – a few more. Not many.”

“Not counting…?” Alex tailed off, but Yassen took his meaning.

“ _Not_ counting the man who abused me, no.”

“How many of those did you let fuck you?” 

“Only one.”

Alex took this in silently. It was a strange comfort in a way to know that someone like Yassen had been in the same position as him and had come through it, whatever you thought of his subsequent career choices. It made him think again too about Yassen’s instinctive offer to let Alex be the one to make love to him, even though by his own admission he clearly didn’t enjoy it. 

Alex hugged him tightly on impulse and Yassen hugged back fondly in surprise. 

“I hope you weren’t expecting me to be vastly experienced,” Yassen murmured. “In my line of work you never really get the opportunity to get close to anyone.” He paused, debating how honest to be. “Two of those – I needed to get myself access to a target.”

Alex looked at him. “Going out with a bang?” he murmured, and was glad when the faint lines of tension in Yassen’s face relaxed again. Alex kissed him softly, wanting Yassen to know the unconditional acceptance went both ways. 

The kissing went on for a while, and despite the fact they were both naked and both more than half-hard by now, there came a point when Alex realised he genuinely wasn’t feeling pressured to go any further, either by Yassen or by himself. It was a moment that made him realise how tense his other encounters had been, how there’d been an expectation on one or both sides to do more, and how much that alone had been making him uncomfortable. 

“Can we just sleep?” Alex asked eventually, and Yassen turned out the light, holding Alex close in the darkness until his breathing evened out and he relaxed into sleep. 

–

Waking the next morning to find himself in bed with Yassen, Alex experienced a moment of something so close to physical relief that he had to stop and examine it. During the months they’d spent together before Alex had felt like he was constantly preoccupied and anxious, but with the benefit of hindsight he’d never felt so safe and protected. He’d missed the feeling, and just being able to wake up next to Yassen again brought a rush of comforting memory and warmth.

Yassen was awake, sitting up reading, and Alex realised he’d stayed in bed so Alex wouldn’t wake up alone. When he saw Alex was awake he smiled and put down his book, sliding back under the covers but making no move to touch him until Alex himself wriggled into his arms.

“Good morning.” Yassen pulled him close now, settling them together and smiling against his lips as Alex instinctively kissed him.

“Hello.” Alex rested his head on Yassen’s shoulder and sighed happily. It felt right, he realised. They might not have done anything much yet, but unlike before he knew he wanted to and knew it didn’t matter if they took their time.

Perversely, the very knowledge that they could draw this out immediately made Alex want to accelerate things, he just wasn’t quite sure how to initiate it. They were both in bed, which seemed like a good place to start, and both already naked, which seemed like an even better one. He was suddenly glad that Yassen had been firm about not jumping directly to sex. He knew he’d pushed himself too far too fast with Peter, he just hadn’t seen any other way. 

Still, it had brought him to this, and he couldn’t be sorry about that. Yassen was warm against his body, and – now that Alex came to think about it, he had a sneaking suspicion that Yassen had an erection. There was definitely something pressing against his leg. 

“Have you got a hard-on?” Alex demanded, face half-pressed against Yassen’s chest.

“Possibly,” Yassen murmured, stroking his hair lazily. “Naked young men plastered up against my body tend to have that effect.”

Alex snickered. 

“Would you prefer it if I – ” Yassen broke off his offer to move away as Alex shifted position and Yassen felt something pressing against _his_ leg. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” 

“Did you – ” Yassen hesitated, caught between not wanting to push and not wanting to miss what might be Alex making a tentative advance. “Did you want to do something?” 

“Can we?”

“Of course.” Yassen kissed him. “Anything you like. I am at your disposal.”

Alex smiled, then faltered. “Just so you know – I’m clean,” he said awkwardly. “You should probably know that.”

Yassen nodded automatically, then abruptly caught up on the implications of why Alex might be sure and added it to the fact nobody else had known.

“You went to get tested on your own,” he guessed. “Oh Alex.”

Alex nodded, grateful beyond words for the fact that Yassen immediately pulled him into a hug and he didn’t have to control his expression. 

“And then – you know, sometimes things don’t show up immediately, so – I got tested a bunch of times,” Alex mumbled sheepishly. “So yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m clean.”

Yassen squeezed him comfortingly tightly. “Me too,” he added “For the record. Occasional injuries in some of the less wholesome parts of the world mean I get tests fairly regularly. Although my immune system is a law unto itself anyway, but – yeah.” He considered. “We can still use condoms though, assuming we get that far. I’m guessing you might prefer that?”

Alex nodded gratefully, and Yassen nodded back. “No problem. So – where shall we start?” 

Despite the fact it had been his idea, Alex’s laugh was high-pitched with tension and Yassen looked at him with a certain amount of sympathy. “You’re nervous?”

“No?” It was a blatant lie, and Alex sighed. “Maybe?”

“We don’t have to do anything,” Yassen pointed out. “Maybe it would be better if we spent a while just sleeping together first, not doing anything more?”

Alex shook his head. “It’s not that I’m scared of what we’re going to do,” he said slowly, considering. “It’s more – I’m scared of being scared.” He sighed, trying to work out how to put it into words while Yassen waited patiently, stroking his hand. 

“I just know there might come a point when I freak out,” Alex said finally. “That something will make me freeze or panic, or – I don’t know. I did with Peter. Although I guess maybe looking back I tried to go too fast. We went from heavy petting straight to balls-out naked. I ended up hiding in the bathroom,” he admitted.

“Maybe we should leave a robe in there, just in case,” Yassen murmured, only half joking and Alex laughed.

“You think of everything.”

“All about the contingency plans, me. But seriously. Alex, it’s okay. Even if you do – you’re safe. I’m not going to be pissed off, or laugh at you. And I promise I’m not going to leave.” Yassen squeezed his hand, and Alex leaned in and kissed him on the lips, heartfelt and shaky. 

“Can you tell me what to avoid?” Yassen mused. “What you definitely don’t want to do, anywhere I shouldn’t touch? Anything I shouldn’t _say_?”

Alex shook his head slowly. “It’s mostly about the thought of someone being inside me,” he said awkwardly. “And about not being in control, maybe. It does feel better, already, with you,” Alex said, realising his faith in Yassen’s self-control was as important as his liking for him. “Safer.”

He spent too much time sometimes, telling himself he should be grateful that what happened to him hadn’t been worse. It had been, as Yassen said, an outright assault rather than a betrayal by someone he’d trusted. Also, some combination of the drugs and pain had meant he hadn’t climaxed. It meant his mental and physical sticking point was mostly around the act of penetration itself, rather than intimacy as a whole, but he appreciated Yassen’s insistence on taking things slowly more than he could say. 

“Maybe we should think about relaxation techniques,” Yassen suggested, sensing that Alex was still full of a tension that he possibly didn’t even register.

“What like whale music or something?” Alex teased.

“I was thinking more like massage. Not full-body – just neck and shoulders. It will relax you,” Yassen offered, and was slightly surprised when Alex shook his head tightly. Yassen looked a question at him. “No?”

“You don’t need to be looking at my back,” Alex muttered.

“As much as I enjoy admiring the front,” Yassen kissed him lightly on the lips, “I find the rest of you equally appealing.”

Alex gave a soft laugh. “Unlikely, but thanks.”

“Alex I’ve seen your back plenty of times,” Yassen murmured, taking Alex’s hand again instead, and kissing his knuckles. “It’s never bothered you before? Me seeing it, I mean?”

“You were never looking at me like this before,” Alex said awkwardly, then wondered if that was true. He looked up in time to catch Yassen’s expression, which suggested he was wondering whether to say the same thing. “Were you?”

“Which answer gets me into the least amount of trouble?” Yassen asked, and Alex finally laughed. 

“It doesn’t bother me,” Yassen promised, drawing Alex closer and running a hand down the ridged and scarred skin of his shoulderblades. “I promise. I mean, it makes me feel a certain amount of rage that you were ever sent into a situation like that, but in terms of you? In terms of wanting you? Desiring you? Liking to look at you?” He interspersed each one with more kisses. “It is simply a part of you Alex, and I am fully in favour of everything that covers.”

“You talk a lot of shit, you know that?” Alex whispered, but he was smiling against Yassen’s lips as he said it. 

“It’s not like I’ve had a lot of practice,” Yassen pointed out, making Alex laugh again. “I don’t think I’m going to win any romance prizes. But I think practicality might be more important here in any case.”

Alex finally lay down willingly, gradually relaxing as Yassen’s strong hands worked over the planes of his back, thumbs finding the knots of tension cording his muscles. He applied moisturising lotion, silkily stroking and kneading until Alex had subsided into a puddle of warm glowing happiness.

Yassen had been careful not to let his hands travel lower than Alex’s waist, but when he was finally done and Alex rolled over onto his back, he smiled to see that Alex was hard again. Yassen had kept a stern mental check on his own dick during proceedings, but he couldn’t prevent a twitch of interest now. 

He let his hand trail down Alex’s ribs, across his stomach, tracing the skin lightly, slowly drifting lower.

“Can I touch you? Down there?” 

Alex nodded wordlessly, eyes wide.

Yassen’s hand reached his cock and circled him gently, his palm still slick with the lotion. He could feel his own erection swelling in sympathy, could tell too that Alex was watching its progress. Alex was rigid under his fingers now, and he was pushing into the touch. 

Yassen poured some more of the lotion into his hand, Alex’s eyes fluttering briefly closed at the sensation of Yassen’s palm gliding up and down. They only stayed shut for a moment, Alex’s gaze flicking from one place to another unable to decide if he most wanted to watch Yassen’s intent expression, his busy fingers, or Yassen’s own stiff cock sticking up between his legs. Alex could feel his orgasm building faster than he’d expected, warm anticipation coiling tightly in his belly.

Yassen’s thumb swiped over the head of his cock, the circle of his fingers pumping a touch harder, sensing Alex was close, once, twice, and then Alex was coming, spurting into the air and splattering down over his stomach and Yassen’s hand.

Alex lay there in a happy daze, while Yassen wiped him clean. “You’re the first person to ever make me come,” Alex murmured. “Other than me, I mean.”

Yassen settled beside him and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m honoured.”

Alex kissed him back and eyed Yassen’s untouched erection. He reached out a tentative hand, before checking himself at the last second and looking up. “May I?”

“Be my guest.” 

Alex grinned, nudging Yassen with his shoulder, and wrapping his hand around Yassen’s cock. “I’ve never done this before. I might be crap.”

“I’m assuming you’ve done it to yourself at some point.”

“Well, yeah.”

“I think the principles still apply.”

Alex snorted. “Feels weird.”

“Charming.”

“I mean, not being able to feel how it feels,” Alex clarified, feeling Yassen silently laughing. 

“Maybe next time we should do it at the same time.”

“Maybe.” Alex was smiling as he pumped his hand increasingly vigorously up and down, enjoying the sensation of the hot hard flesh under his fingers. “Shit, should I use the lotion?”

“Don’t stop,” Yassen said, and Alex looked up at the hoarse note in his voice.

“Guess I’m doing okay?” he smirked. 

“You have the grip of a champion milkmaid,” Yassen managed, making Alex splutter with laughter. 

“Am I doing it too hard?”

“Alex I promise you, that is absolutely,” Yassen had to suck in a sharp breath, sighing on the exhale, “fucking perfect.”

Alex continued his ministrations, watching avidly as Yassen unravelled under his touch until he was grasping the bedsheet and pushing into Alex’s hand.

“Alex – Alex, I – ” Yassen couldn’t manage anything more coherent as he came hard, shooting his load all over his chest and Alex’s cheek where he’d been bending over him.

“Thanks,” said Alex weakly, wiping it off with his fingers.

“Sorry.” Yassen looked up at him from where he’d collapsed amongst the pillows, laughter in his eyes. “You were in the way.”

“Guess I’ve only got myself to blame,” Alex grinned, snuggling up beside him and leaning in for a kiss. 

–

For a couple of days they stuck to that, experimenting and exploring with hands only until they were as familiar with the touch of each other as themselves. 

One languid afternoon, lying with the windows open and the sheets thrown back in unaccustomed summer heat, Yassen bent over Alex’s rigid cock that he’d been idly playing with and with a glance up at Alex to make sure he understood what he was about to do, he took him into his mouth.

The filthy groan this elicited from Alex suggested he had no complaints as far as this development went, and Yassen set about sucking him off in the most drawn out and lascivious manner possible.

Alex came moaning his name and gripping the sheet beneath him, arching into his touch and pulsing down his throat in a hot rush. 

“Step five,” was all Yassen said, sitting up and wiping his mouth with only a touch of smugness.

Alex sat up and holding his gaze moved onto all fours so he was facing him, and looked down at Yassen’s own erection.

“Step six,” Alex countered.

Yassen reached out to stroke his hair. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with it?”

“Yeah. It’s not like there was any cocksucking involved, you know?” Alex said flippantly. Yassen just nodded. There was a fine line between making sure Alex was happy with what they were doing and reminding him too much of things that would derail the mood. All he could do was make sure Alex felt secure enough to be able to say no to anything he didn’t fancy, while knowing perfectly well that Alex was just as liable as he was to endure something rather than show weakness. 

This was a learning curve for both of them in accepting that some things weren’t weaknesses. Getting Alex to accept that meant accepting it himself, and Yassen was realising just how unnecessarily tough he’d been on himself at times. He’d told himself he needed to be cold and hard to survive, but had he really? Or had it just been a way of avoiding processing certain things? It gave him a whole new level of respect for Alex in his willingness to tackle his issues head on instead of just avoiding them for years.

“Okay. Here are the rules.”

“Blowjobs have rules?”

“Right now they do. Okay, not really rules, it’s just – things I think it’s worth saying out loud. Number one, if you don’t like it, you can stop. I won’t mind, I promise. Number two, you don’t have to make me come. If you’ve simply had enough, or you don’t want to go that far, you can stop then too. Number three, if we do go that far, you don’t have to let me come in your mouth if you don’t want to, and number four, if I do, you don’t have to swallow it. I think that’s all.” 

Alex’s cheeks were red but he nodded, grateful despite himself that Yassen had spelt so much out. 

When Alex finally went down on him it was mostly with a nervous excitement that he was getting to do something he never thought he would have either the opportunity or the courage to do outside of his fantasies. 

Not for the first time he found that the reassurance there were no expectations of him made him bolder, and after the experimentation of the last few days Alex had discovered that being able to make Yassen come was his new favourite thing in the world. He almost liked it more than coming himself, as touching someone else was less fraught than being touched, and being able to watch someone as stoic as Yassen unravel because of _him_ was both ego boosting and highly addictive. 

Despite Yassen’s assurances to the contrary there had still been a tiny voice in Alex’s head wondering if Yassen had only agreed to this because Alex wanted it, but at least by feeling him hard in his hand and watching him ride out an orgasm Alex could be sure he was getting something out of it. 

He found the sensation of Yassen all thick and firm in his mouth was guiltily good and not for the first time Alex had to remind himself that it was okay that some things turned him on. Not everything had to be filtered and assessed against the black weight of what had gone before. He was in control here which helped, Yassen deliberately letting him take it at his own pace and not thrusting into his mouth or pulling at his hair.

Alex glanced up to find Yassen’s face was flushed and his eyes intent on him. He gave Alex a breathless smile and Alex let his hands splay over Yassen’s belly, caressing him, exploring him, cupping and stroking as he sucked and licked with a will.

“Alex. I’m close,” Yassen breathed, and Alex let his cock slide slowly out of his mouth, licking wetly over the head and enjoying the way it made Yassen catch his breath.

“You’ll get another face-full if you’re not careful,” Yassen laughed, and Alex caught his eye and deliberately took him back into his mouth.

“You’re sure?” Yassen checked, and when Alex just took him deeper he laughed again, breathless and delighted. 

Alex worked him with hands and lips until Yassen gave a stifled moan and spilled thickly into his mouth. Alex sat up, lips clamped together, considered his options, then swallowed determinedly.

He crawled back up to slump next to Yassen, who kissed him and wiped a smear of something wet from his chin. “Thank you,” Yassen said softly.

“I liked it,” Alex said thoughtfully. “We should do it again.”

Yassen smiled. “You’ll get no complaints from me.”

–

Despite the fact that it was supposedly Alex who was working through his issues, a couple of nights later it was Yassen who found himself in the grip of an unaccustomed nightmare. Finding himself back in the place he’d been imprisoned as a teenager with a crushingly familiar sense of no escape he was running fruitlessly from one room to another, knowing equally that he was being followed and that when they caught up with him there would be punishment of the worse kind. Hands reached out for him, cruel and greedy, and he woke with a start. 

Yassen sat bolt upright, breathing hard and staring sightlessly into the pre-dawn twilight. Stirred from sleep, Alex blinked up at him. He sat up a little, half-afraid to touch him. Yassen looked so tightly wound that Alex was wary of him lashing out at an unexpected movement.

“Yassen?” he ventured. 

To his relief, some of the tension went out of Yassen’s shoulders and he turned his head a little towards Alex, without quite looking at him.

“Sorry. Did I wake you?” His voice was rough with sleep and something else indefinable, and Alex risked inching closer and wrapped his arms around Yassen’s waist. 

“Bad dream?”

“Yes.” Yassen sighed, rubbing his hands over his face and lying down again.

“You want to talk about it?”

“No.”

It was Alex’s turn to sigh, but he was glad when Yassen pulled him closer rather than pushing him away, and wrapped himself around him trying to offer silent comfort. 

“I’m sorry.”

Yassen looked up briefly from burying his face in Alex’s hair. “What for?”

“I’m probably making you think about stuff you don’t want to be. I’ve never known you have a nightmare before.”

“I don’t dream much at all. Not that I remember.” Yassen hugged him tighter and pressed a kiss to his hair. “It’s not your fault. It’s only a dream.”

“It feels real,” Alex murmured, thinking of his own stretch of night terrors that had only gradually ended after months of sleeping in Yassen’s arms. 

“Yes,” Yassen conceded with a resigned breath. He stroked Alex’s hair, feeling his own pulse and breathing slow as the shreds of dream faded further from warm reality.

“Let me make it better,” Alex whispered, stroking Yassen soothingly and nuzzling kisses into his warm skin. Yassen finally responded, pulling Alex into his arms and kissing him with a sudden passion. 

It wasn’t long before they were both hard, and before Alex knew what was happening Yassen had rolled on top of him, his erection sliding up the length of Alex’s own. For a second Alex froze. The sudden weight pressing down on him, the way Yassen was thrusting against him, the fact Yassen’s mood was troubled – alarming scenarios ran through his head and for a second he couldn’t breathe. But Yassen wasn’t trying to do anything more than rut against him, and Alex told himself to trust him, he had to trust somebody at some point, and Yassen wasn’t doing anything he actually minded, it was just Alex’s stupid head full of what-if’s.

“Alex,” Yassen’s voice was uncommonly breathless. “Is this alright?”

Alex looked up at him, blinking at having his doomsday scenarios interrupted by the explicit invitation to say no. He _wanted_ , too, this liaison of theirs to be something good for Yassen as well as him. There was also something exciting about Yassen displaying such naked lust for the first time even if it scared him. It came down to – did he really trust him? And Alex found he did. 

“Just this?” he managed to say out loud.

“Just this,” Yassen promised.

Alex gave a jerky nod. “Okay.”

Yassen took him at his word and thrust hungrily against him, for once taking what he needed without apology. It wasn’t long before he went still and spilled his load all over Alex’s stomach, collapsing over him with a shaky sigh.

“Better?” Alex wrapped his arms around him and pressed a kiss to his sweat-darkened hair.

In answer Yassen rolled them both over so that Alex was on top, and Alex smiled down at him, taken by surprise. He was achingly hard himself, had been the whole time. 

“Your turn,” Yassen said, and Alex laughed, starting to move tentatively at first but gaining in boldness as he got into it, thrusting against Yassen wildly and greedily until he too came all over Yassen, adding to the mess between them.

They made a cursory attempt at cleaning each other up, then flopped back in a tangle of limbs.

“Did that help?” Alex enquired. 

“An orgasm clears the head remarkably well.”

Alex snickered. “Just makes me want to fall asleep again.”

“You can,” Yassen pointed out. “We don’t have to be anywhere.”

“You just want to watch me sleep.”

“Maybe.”

Alex yawned. “Hmmn.”

When Alex woke again several hours later, he found Yassen still there and looking down at him with a fond smile.

“Did you go back to sleep?”

“No.” 

“Shit. You should have woken me up again. We could have done something else.” 

Yassen shook his head. “Watching you sleep was very peaceful.”

Alex made a face, but then smiled. “Whatever turns you on.” 

Yassen looked abruptly solemn, and Alex wondered what he’d said. 

“That’s a serious face. What’s up?”

Yassen studied him. “Did I frighten you earlier?” he asked finally.

Taken aback, Alex sank back down into the pillows next to him. His instinct was to say of course not, but an honest question deserved an honest answer, and he knew it made sense for them both to be clear about things. 

“There was a moment when I didn’t know what you were going to do,” he said slowly. “But I trust you Yassen. And then you checked it was okay, and you let me set a boundary. So I was right to. It’s okay.”

Yassen looked away. “I should have stopped the second I felt you tense,” he said, angry with himself now he’d had time to think it over.

“If you do that we’ll never get anywhere,” Alex pointed out. “I trust you,” he repeated. “You’ve never given me reason not to. And that includes this morning. You don’t have to be perfect Yassen. God knows I’m not.”

Yassen looked back at him then, and pulled Alex into a one-armed hug with a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re allowed to want things too,” Alex said quietly. “You’re allowed to want me. I _like_ that you want me. And sometimes I’m going to be scared of stuff we do, maybe. But I’m not scared of _you_ , and that’s the point I’m trying to make.”

Yassen finally smiled. “Not many people who can say that.”

Alex laughed, insinuating himself closer still until Yassen pulled him into a kiss. “I’m aware it’s an uncommon privilege.”

–

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” 

It was several days later, and Yassen was sitting on the bed with a bottle of lube and a packet of tissues. 

“I think so,” Alex said. They’d talked around taking the next step in some depth, and Alex knew the more he built it up in his head the harder it was going to be. He couldn’t deny the main focus of his anxiety was having anything penetrate him, but he was equally obstinate in his determination to go through with it. He didn’t like the idea of having a weakness, and he didn’t like the idea of having had a potential source of pleasure and enjoyment turned into something that scared him.

They would start with fingers and Alex was as secure in his own mind as he could be, trusting that Yassen would both stop if he needed and ask before escalating anything. 

Despite his air of bravura, as soon as Alex lay down and felt unseen hands stroking up his bare thighs, he tensed. 

He looked over his shoulder and Yassen gave him an enquiring look, immediately taking his hands away and picking up the lube to make it look natural. 

“Can we do it the other way round?” Alex asked. “On my back I mean? It’s easier if I can see you.”

Yassen considered. It was going to be more comfortable for Alex on his front, at least at first, but maybe there was a solution. 

“There’s a mirror in the hall. If I put that behind the bed you can watch me?”

“Kinky.”

“Only on Tuesdays.” 

Alex watched with some amusement as Yassen went out and then struggled back in carrying a full length mirror in an ornate frame, all while stark naked. Alex helped him pull the bed out a few inches and Yassen propped it behind the metal bedhead. 

“I hope we don’t break it. I don’t need another seven years bad luck,” Alex said, only half joking.

“We will be gentle.”

Alex lay back down on his front, propped up on a stack of pillows. This time he could watch Yassen settle behind him and found it was something of a turn on that he hadn’t expected, being able to see Yassen gazing down at him.

Yassen regarded Alex splayed out in front of him with both pleasure and consideration. He needed to relax him, not having missed the fact he was still rather tense. Yassen knelt lower, hands massaging Alex’s thighs and gently spreading them open, before burying his face between Alex’s cheeks.

Yassen’s tongue flicked out over his hole and Alex gasped. He hadn’t expected this, and certainly hadn’t imagined how good it would feel. He stared into the mirror but all he could see was the top of Yassen’s bobbing head as his tongue laved and probed at his entrance, easing into him as Alex squirmed pleasurably beneath his attentions. 

Yassen’s fingers were splayed over his buttocks, spreading him open, and now one finger was rubbing over his hole, circling in tandem with Yassen’s tongue until it finally slipped inside, just the tip, stroking him open with little shallow movements. For a moment Yassen moved away completely and Alex felt the loss, glancing up into the mirror to see Yassen squeezing something from the bottle. In a moment the finger was back, slick with warm gel. 

This time the finger slid a little deeper and Alex caught his breath.

“Okay?” Yassen murmured, his other hand rubbing reassuring circles on the small of Alex’s back. “Or stop?”

“Don’t stop.” Alex rested his chin on his folded arms, watching Yassen’s reflection. He looked intent and Alex smiled. It didn’t feel bad – it didn’t feel anything much other than a little odd – and after a while he relaxed into it, Yassen occasionally renewing the lube and working his finger in and out until Alex was used to the sensation. 

It was only once Yassen felt Alex was starting to push back into the touch in search of something more than he deliberately angled his finger deeper, aiming to brush up against his prostate. He could tell when he’d been successful because Alex jumped like he’d been shot and gave a strangled yelp of surprise.

“Alright?” Yassen enquired mildly. 

“Jesus fuck.”

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“In a do that again way.”

Yassen obliged, and Alex let out a noise at a much higher pitch than he’d intended to. “Hnngh.”

“You like that?”

“Yes, fuck I – you know full well how that felt I imagine you bastard,” Alex managed.

Yassen gave a non-committal hum. “There’s a reason people genuinely like this you know. It’s not just bravado and a convenient hole.”

“I didn’t...” Alex tailed off. He’d been so pre-occupied with getting through it he hadn’t really expected to feel actually good at any point. His cock gone from half mast to fully hard, and he started rutting against the pillow in time with the lazy strokes of Yassen’s long finger. 

Yassen wondered whether to risk introducing a second finger, but decided on balance not to risk it yet. Alex’s main issue was clearly with penetration, if he could get him comfortable with this it was a good first step. He continued fingering him, gently but persistently nudging his prostate until Alex’s hand disappeared somewhere underneath him and his hips canted up to give himself better access. Yassen shifted too, pushing deeper from this angle, rubbing the tip of his finger over just the right spot until he felt Alex clench suddenly around him and groan out his climax over the pillows.

Yassen withdrew his finger and wiped his hand. “How was that?”

“Better than I expected,” Alex admitted when he’d got his breath back. “That sounds – I mean, it was – God, I don’t even know what to say.”

“It’s alright.” Yassen laughed quietly as he came to sit beside him. “I wasn’t after a review. I just wanted to be sure you were okay with it all.”

“Yeah. More than okay.” Alex leaned up and kissed him. “Thank you. I’m sorry we’re having to go so slowly with all of this.”

“There is nothing to be regretted in getting to take my time with you,” Yassen smiled. “It is a treat, not a chore.”

Alex went pink, and laughed. “Well, I’m glad.” He reached out and ran his hand up Yassen’s thigh towards his blatant erection. “Can I give you a hand there?” 

He liked getting to play with Yassen, enjoyed being able to give him pleasure in a way he could think of completely separately from the rest of it. Yassen lay back and let him go to town, Alex half-frowning with concentration and barely aware of the look of unguarded affection on Yassen’s face. 

–

The success of their initial foray into what Alex insisted on called ‘arse-stuff’, mainly for the way it invariably made Yassen wince, meant they weren’t long before trying it again. 

By the time they were done this time, Yassen had had three fingers buried inside him and Alex had come twice, once untouched and embarrassingly quickly. 

Such early success conveyed a sense of achievement that perhaps overruled the sense they’d both shown in taking things slowly up to now. Either way, Alex was insistent they should go for broke, and Yassen took less convincing than he should have done, too eager to finally give in to the thought of fucking Alex for real. 

They at least started slowly, Alex warm and relaxed straight from a bath, Yassen gently working him open with fingers and tongue until he was panting and eager. 

Yassen rolled on a condom and made sure he was well lubricated while Alex watched in the mirror, eyes fixed on him like they could burn holes through the glass. 

Alex had been sure it would be okay. He trusted Yassen implicitly by now, he could see what he was doing, he’d experienced just how good it could feel having something inside him, even if there was a world of difference between a finger and a swollen cock.

It wasn’t until he felt the head nudging inside him that Alex abruptly knew he couldn’t do it. In a split second he knew he’d made a terrible mistake, as every traumatic memory came piling back into his head, making him clench in horror against the feeling of penetration.

“Fuck. Fuck, I can’t, I – ” Alex realised with a gulp of relief that Yassen had already moved back before he got the words out, his panicked convulsion had been enough. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Alex was fighting for breath, furious at himself, furious at his stupid body and brain, humiliated and shaking. 

“It’s alright. Alex, it’s alright.” Yassen’s voice was soothing, his hand stroking his shoulder gently, sitting sideways so his erection wasn’t in danger of touching him. He slipped the condom off and got off the bed.

Alex looked up, stricken at the thought he might be leaving, but Yassen just pulled his underwear back on and got back on the bed with him. 

“Come here.” He opened his arms, letting Alex move into them himself, then hugged him close. “It’s alright. I promise it’s alright,” Yassen murmured, kissing his hair. “You’re safe Alex. You’re safe and I’ve got you, and everything’s okay.” 

Alex gave a hiccuping sob and buried his face. Yassen rocked him gently. “Shhh. It’s okay. I’m sorry. We went too fast.”

Alex shook his head. “It’s me. I’m just – so fucking stupid.”

“No you’re not.” Yassen stroked a hand down Alex’s back, pulling the covers up around them. “There is nothing stupid about any of it, and we have all the time in the world.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex sounded defeated, and Yassen shook his head. 

“Alex. I thought the reason you wanted to do this with me was for exactly this eventuality?” Yassen pointed out. “To explore what you can manage in a safe environment. And yes, perhaps that is sometimes going to involve finding your limits. The point is, you don’t have to be ashamed of that. I will always, always stop if you need me to Alex.” 

Alex let his head rest tiredly on Yassen’s shoulder and sighed, gradually calming down as Yassen rubbed gentle circles on his back and let him pull himself together.

After they’d been lying there for some time in quiet reflection and Alex had gathered the shreds of his dignity and his determination, he looked up.

“I suppose we should try again.”

“Pick a step,” Yassen offered, swallowing the instinct to tell him they should just go to sleep, guessing Alex would take it as a rejection. Alex looked surprised.

“Ten,” he said automatically.

Yassen gave him a look. “Pick again.”

“Yassen – ”

“Pick something you’re going to enjoy.” 

Alex sighed, and Yassen drew him closer and kissed him. “Alex. Sex is supposed to be fun. I worry that you’re seeing this as a task to be completed. One more skill to be ticked off. What happens when we’ve done it, you never want to do it again? Because that’s the way it feels it’s going.”

Alex swallowed. Yassen was right, he realised, and it made him uncomfortable. 

“I should like to think you might want to do it again,” Yassen said softly, and his smile was hopeful. “At least with me.”

Alex gave him a watery smile. “I don’t want to start at the beginning again,” he said. “I’ll just feel like I’ve failed worse than ever.”

Yassen looked briefly like he wanted to strangle something, and it was a testament to how close they’d become that Alex knew that look was meant for Kane and not him. 

“Look, screw the steps,” Yassen said finally. 

“Screw the steps, I can’t even screw you,” Alex said automatically, and was grateful when Yassen laughed.

“Tell me what you want,” Yassen clarified. 

Alex bit his lip. Maybe it was time after all to cut himself a bit of slack.

“Just kiss me?”

Yassen smiled. “I can do that,” he promised. “I can do that.”

–

The following day Yassen disappeared off into town, saying he had to run an errand. Alex didn’t ask questions, assuming it had to do with things he’d be better off not having to lie to MI6 about if he knew, but when Yassen came back a couple of hours later he looked uncommonly shifty.

“I bought you something.”

“What?” Alex looked at Yassen’s expression and laughed. He’d never seen him look quite so uncertain. “Yassen?”

“You may hate the idea.” Yassen sat down beside him on the sofa. “I won’t mind, if you do. It was just – an idea.”

“What was?” Alex persisted, half laughing.

“It’s – well.” Yassen handed the box over. It was wrapped in brown paper and Alex looked at him.

“Tell me.”

“It’s a sex toy. A dildo.” Alex’s eyes widened, and Yassen made himself continue. “It’s a relatively small one. I thought – it might help. That you could get used to the feeling of something inside you that wasn’t an actual penis. We could – try it together. Or you might prefer to do so alone, I don’t know. You might hate the idea completely.”

Alex blinked. “Are you blushing?”

“What? No.”

“You are!”

“I am not,” Yassen objected, relieved that Alex was laughing. He’d worried that Alex would find the idea appalling. 

Alex leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. “You’re amazing.”

Yassen looked surprised. “I am?”

“You are,” Alex confirmed. He looked down at the box. “So. Do we - try it out?”

“Now? You want to? Together?” Yassen wasn’t sure why he was constantly surprised and impressed by Alex’s resilience, but in a world that sometimes seemed to do its best to crush you, Alex’s persistent spirit was heartening.

Alex laughed. “Yes, yes and yes. I mean, you’ve already seen me freak the fuck out, at this point there’s nothing left I can be embarrassed about.” He hesitated. “Also – it helps. If you’re there. If I get anxious,” he added more quietly.

Yassen, who’d mostly been worrying about making Alex _more_ anxious, pulled him into an impulsive hug. Alex wrapped his arms around Yassen’s waist and hugged back hard. 

“Bedroom. Now.” He slipped his hand into Yassen’s, picked up the package in his other and pulled him along, laughing. 

The toy Yassen had picked for him was a simple rubber replica, warm and flexible to the touch, slim in girth but long enough to hold and manipulate. It was a rather clinical shade of beige, and Alex waggled it obscenely in his hand.

“He looks a bit peaky.”

“It was that or neon pink.”

Alex smirked. “I don’t scream neon pink to you?”

“Maybe I don’t need neon pink to make you scream,” Yassen countered, and Alex spluttered with laughter.

Far from being self-conscious, Alex found he was already semi-hard at the thought of doing this. It didn’t escape Yassen’s notice, and when Alex had undressed down to just his boxers Yassen leaned in and kissed his way up the inside of Alex’s thighs before burying his face in Alex’s crotch and mouthing him through the material, feeling Alex harden further under his lips. 

Alex liked Yassen’s mouth on him, liked using his own mouth too, and Yassen peeled down the waistband, licking over the exposed head, making Alex shudder with pleasure.

Alex was eager to experiment and with the dildo carefully washed and lubricated, he lay back on the bed on a bath towel laid out in anticipation of the amount of lube they were going to get through. Yassen lay beside him, watching but not touching, stroking himself lazily. 

Alex carefully introduced the tip, pushing it only an inch or so deep and then starting with shallow thrusts, working on getting used to the feeling of penetration, repeatedly taking it out and pressing it back in. Yassen occasionally helped out with more lube so Alex didn’t have to sit up but otherwise let him take things at his own speed, captivated enough just by watching him. 

Slowly Alex worked it deeper, trying to replicate the sensations Yassen had produced with his fingers, trying to juggle his hold on the base with the need to tug his own leaking cock. 

He looked up pleadingly at Yassen who obligingly shifted closer. “What do you want me to do?”

“Take it?” Alex asked, nodding as Yassen gestured to the dildo. “I can’t – I need – please?”

Yassen smiled at his incoherent stammering and let his fingers curl round the base, gently nudging it deeper. Alex let out a sigh of relief and turned his attention to his own cock, starting up a rapid stroke. Yassen carefully took over control, sliding it in and out, adding yet more lube, doing what Alex had been doing and drawing it all the way out and pushing back in.

Alex groaned, openly grinding himself down on it now, finding it easier with someone else holding it in place. It wasn’t a vibrator, and now he wasn’t having to manipulate it himself he could concentrate on the sensations. Yassen was careful not to push too hard or too deep but he chased Alex’s increasingly loud moans of encouragement until Alex was spasming in climax and spilling all over his fist.

Yassen carefully drew it out and set it aside, gathering the still quivering Alex into his arms.

“Was that good?” 

Alex nodded, dazed and finally realising he was a little sore.

“So good. But. Ow.”

Yassen winced. “Sorry. Too much? I should have thought.”

“No. It’s fine.” Alex kissed him. “I didn’t want to stop once I was nearly there. And you were right. It was a lot easier with – with it – ” 

“Not being real?”

“Yeah.” Not for the first time Alex was relieved Yassen was so practical, never taking offence or wasting time with imagined slights. It made him strangely restful, given how dangerous he was. Alex supposed when you knew you were deadlier than everyone else in any given room it made you quite secure in yourself.

“You want me to run you a bath?” Yassen offered. “It will help ease the soreness.”

Alex looked down at Yassen’s neglected erection, and smiled. “Only if you join me in it.”

–

The next few days were given over to learning the potential of their new toy, until Alex was both entirely comfortable with it inside him, and able to make himself come without assistance. Not that Yassen was an idle bystander, Alex was adamant about that, and more than once he came squirming on the dildo buried inside him with Yassen’s cock buried in his mouth.

It had been almost a whole month, Alex realised. The heat had given way to the more familiar downpours of a British summer, and they’d spent four decadent weeks more in bed than out of it. 

The thought of returning to normal life was faintly depressing, although Alex knew if he was away for too long certain people would start looking and he didn’t want to be responsible for leading them to Yassen. 

It begged the question of what they were going to do longer term. In all their meandering conversations the one thing they’d never discussed was the future. It struck Alex that all he’d ever asked for was for Yassen to help him overcome his fear of sex. Was that all this was, to Yassen? It didn’t feel like it, but the thought that he might one day disappear out of Alex’s life again was unbearable. He had to know.

They were lying in bed, mid-afternoon because both their sleeping patterns had become completely untethered from normality, with the rain sheeting down outside, running off the eaves and sluicing down to the river. Alex screwed up his courage and turned to him.

“Yassen – when this is over – like, when I’m comfortable with it all – are you going to leave again?”

Yassen looked at him, eyes unreadable. “What do you want?” he asked neutrally. 

Alex smacked the bedclothes, suddenly angry. “No! Tell me what you want for once! Don’t just say what you think’s best for me, be fucking honest for once in your life!”

Yassen was silent, and Alex wondered if he’d gone too far. But then Yassen sighed. 

“I don’t want to go,” he said quietly. “I don’t want this to end, and I don’t want to lose you again. Is that what you want to hear? Because it’s the truth,” he added quickly before Alex could interrupt. “I love you Alex.”

Alex stared at him. “You do?”

“Of course I do.” Yassen looked away. “I have for a long time.”

Alex shifted closer and leaned against his shoulder. “I love you too,” he whispered. Yassen looked round and Alex gave him a tentative smile. “Did you think I was only doing this because you knew what happened? There’s a reason you’re the only person I can picture myself with, Yassen. I don’t ever want to be with anyone else, and that’s got nothing to do with what happened to me.”

Yassen pulled him hard into his arms and they held each other for a long while, silent with the weight of emotion. 

“I never dared hope,” Yassen whispered, when they finally pulled apart, his fingers brushing Alex’s face wonderingly. 

Alex caught his hand and kissed his fingertips. “Maybe I should have said before.”

“Maybe we both should.”

Alex sighed. “Somehow it’s easier to talk about explicit sex positions than feelings.”

“Infinitely.” 

“We can make it work, right?” Alex ventured, realising there was still a certain conflict of interest between their respective career paths.

“We will. Whatever it takes,” Yassen promised. “We’ll find a way.”

Alex pulled him into a kiss then that somehow felt like the first time all over again. To understand finally how he really felt, and to know he was loved back made Alex lighter in his heart than he could ever remember.

Kisses quickly became caresses, and they lay down together in the tangle of sheets, hungry for each other’s touch.

Alex spread his legs, guiding Yassen’s hand between them in wordless entreaty. Yassen laughed, a low rumble against Alex’s chest, kissing him harder before sitting up and reaching for the lube. 

Half an hour later Alex was boneless and panting, his cock sticking up at rigid attention while the rest of him felt like molten gold, bright and burning.

“Yassen. Fuck me.” 

“Are you sure?” 

Alex nodded tightly, thinking he might never achieve this mixture of arousal and bravery again and he didn’t want to miss the moment. 

Yassen, for once, didn’t argue. Sensing that Alex was genuinely wanting to try again and trusting by now that he would let him know if he wanted to stop, Yassen quickly skinned on a condom and slicked himself thickly with lube. Alex was already wet and open from his fingers and he slid inside him as gently as he could manage. Alex’s eyes were wide and his breathing fast and shallow, his hands gripping Yassen’s biceps painfully tight, but Yassen was familiar by now with the signals of Alex’s body, and read tension there but not fear. 

He eased gradually deeper and for a moment held himself still, letting Alex acclimatise to the feeling of Yassen finally completely inside of him. 

Alex slowly mastered his breathing, letting himself relax around the feeling, loosening his death grip on Yassen’s arms. 

“Okay?” Yassen whispered, as if to speak aloud would be to break the spell of it.

“Yeah,” Alex breathed, managing a jerky nod. “Be gentle?”

“Always.” Yassen kissed him softly, starting to move inside him, slow, shallow thrusts to get Alex used to the sensation. 

“Oh God.”

“Too much?”

“No – don’t stop,” Alex said quickly. “I just – need – I don’t know,” he stammered, too overwhelmed to think straight. 

Yassen slid his arms around Alex’s waist and rolled them over so that Alex was on top of him. “Perhaps you would feel better on top?” he suggested, as Alex blinked down at him in surprise. 

Yassen’s cock had slipped out as they moved, and was pressing against him between his legs. Alex lifted himself up as Yassen squeezed out more lube and positioned himself, then, biting his lip as Yassen held his cock steady, Alex sank down onto him.

“Holy fuck.” Alex’s voice was hoarse, but he showed no signs of wanting to get off again.

“How’s that?”

In answer, Alex started moving, riding him slowly at first, then with increasing confidence. He could control the angle and the depth himself like this, and didn’t have the claustrophobic weight of someone on top of him.

Thanks to the days of slow and patient practise, and perhaps also in part due to Yassen’s unexpected confession of love, Alex found the feeling of his warm, throbbing cock inside him no longer felt like a reason to panic. It felt good in fact, increasingly good, and he felt his last reservations slipping away. 

Yassen was gazing up at him with a look of something close to adoration, and Alex realised he was holding himself in check, the tension in his hips suggesting he probably wanted to thrust wildly into him, and wasn’t. Alex knew in that moment he wanted to do this again, and again and again until they could both be as abandoned as they wanted, able to fuck each other without holding back.

It wasn’t going to be this time, and he had reason to be constantly grateful for Yassen’s iron resolve. It probably wasn’t going to be next time either, but for the first time Alex let himself truly believe he could actually get there. 

However often he’d told Yassen it wasn’t, part of him had suspected once he’d done this to prove he could, he’d never bother with it again. But Yassen had quietly changed his mind about a lot of things, and it seemed this was going to be one of them.

With a sense of surprise Alex could feel his orgasm building already, a tight heat in his core that he knew needed only a fraction more to spill over into ecstasy. He’d been bracing himself, one hand on Yassen and one on the bed rail as he worked himself deeper, Yassen’s hands supporting his hips. Now he took his bouncing cock into one hand and started pumping himself vigorously, until the combined onslaught finally pushed him over the edge. 

He caught most of it in his hand, saving Yassen from a face-full at the last second. His fingers dripping with his own release, Alex stroked himself slowly through the aftershocks, feeling a sudden pulse inside him as Yassen came moments later, catching his breath and letting it out with a shuddering groan.

Between them they helped Alex lift himself off, and he slumped down beside Yassen dazed and speechless. Having first established that Alex’s stupor was a happy one, Yassen cleaned them both up before settling back beside him, wrapping a protective arm around him and pulling the covers up.

“I did it,” breathed Alex, sounding rather stunned. 

“You did. I’m proud of you.” Yassen kissed him, laughing softly and holding him close.

“ _We_ did it. I couldn’t have done this with anyone else.”

“And now you don’t ever have to do it again, if you don’t want to.”

Alex smiled at him guiltily, thinking trust Yassen to have divined his thoughts, however well hidden. But now, and somewhat to his surprise, his feelings had changed. 

“I think I do though.”

“Yeah?” Yassen kissed him, and Alex smiled against his lips. 

“Yeah. If it’s you.”

“Maybe we could work on it the other way round too. With you on top, huh?”

“Only if you want to?” Alex said. “I’m going to repeat what you said to me, you don’t ever have to, if you don’t want to. Don’t do it just because you think you should.”

“Before, I was quite happy never even thinking about it. But now? With you?” Yassen let his fingers trail across Alex’s face wonderingly. “Yes. I want to.”

Alex gave him a helpless smile. They’d both come a long way, he thought, since that night in Rome. Or perhaps it had all started the day he’d made that first call to take his cold and bitter revenge on the man who’d hurt him. He’d never really questioned why Yassen had given him the number in the first place, or why he should have carried out his request so unhesitatingly.

“Thank you,” Alex said quietly. “For everything. I mean it. You gave me my life back. And now you’ve given me my body back.”

“I think you might’ve given me my heart back,” Yassen admitted, and Alex smiled.

“That doesn’t make me the Wizard of Oz does it?”

“If only we had a brain between us,” Yassen murmured, and Alex cackled, burying his face in Yassen’s neck. 

“I love you,” Alex whispered, needing to say it again, needing to _hear_ it again, as if afraid of waking up and finding it had all been a dream.

“I love you too.” Yassen’s response was immediate and heartfelt and Alex kissed him, shaky with emotion and relief. Yassen’s arms around him were strong and reassuring, and Alex laid his head on Yassen’s shoulder with a sigh of contentment. It felt, finally, like a new beginning. 

Perhaps for both of them.

–


End file.
